Category Archives: marriage

Do People Change?

Many years ago, I dated someone whom I’ll call “Don”.  He drove a sporty coupe and worked at a grocery store.  Back then, I wore short shorts and had a somewhat catty relationship with his ex-girlfriend.  Don and I ate at cheap restaurants, spent many evenings at the movies and engaged in a lot of “experimental” activity.  We were young and in love and… you get the idea.

Nowadays Don is married with a bunch of kids.  He’s a medical professional and owns a vehicle with four doors.  I’m sure it’s been a really long time since he vomited tequila and macaroni and cheese on someone’s bedroom floor.   Blue eyes aside, he barely resembles the guy who affectionately referred to me as “Boo Boo”.

Did he change?

It would be so easy for me to say “yes”.  I think most would agree, it’s often difficult to recognize our ex as the same person who was our partner.  It’s easy to point to things s/he has or does and assert, “[My ex] didn’t do that/want that!  This is a different person!”

And in some respects, that’s true.  I used to be a lovesick teenager, and I’m not anymore.  There was a time when I wanted to have children, and I don’t anymore.  Once upon a time I uttered the vows of matrimony, and now I’m divorced.  That’s a lot of flip-flopping— yet, I still feel like the same person.  And I think my closest friends and family would agree:  I’m still me.

There’s a difference between doing and being.

What we do changes quite a bit as we adjust to new hobbies and the different roles we play in life.  The Student behaves much differently than The Parent.   The Karate Expert dresses in contrast to The Rock Climber.  Yet, the Student, Parent, Karate Expert and Rock Climber can all be the same person— even on the same day.

And that leads me to being.  It’s easy enough to change what we do but it’s much more difficult to alter who we are.  Thoughtful Introverts don’t suddenly morph into Impulsive Extroverts (at least, not on a permanent basis).  Although they might be caring parents, Warriors don’t become Nurturers at heart.  Such inherent qualities remain with us, regardless of the circumstances of our lives.

There’s also a difference between what we look at and what we see.

To further complicate matters, let’s not forget the filters that our circumstances provide.  How is a warrior perceived by another warrior vs. a nurturer?  Sensitive individuals might cling to brutal offensive tactics when they feel threatened.  If she cheats with you, she’s a goddess… if she cheats on you, she’s a whore.

It’s kinda confusing… but at the same time, it’s not.

Present-Day-Don doesn’t act like the guy I used to frolic with on his college campus.  However, under the surface, Don is still that humorous and highly intelligent individual who loved (loves?) Scattergories as much as I do.

All of this makes me think… it makes me think about the qualities (not the activities) that truly make humans compatible.  It makes me think about the lenses through which we view our partners and our exes.  It makes me wonder what it is we’re looking for when we’re disappointed by what we see in another.

Do you have any thoughts to share?  Reflections on personal experience?  Opinions about whether or not people change?  Please, comment…

Social Media and The Relationship

“[Insert Female Name]: Great friend; greater lover.”

The text above was featured in the AIM Away Message of a friend of mine several years ago. Upon reading it, I remember wondering why he would want to broadcast his sexual escapades (with a mere “friend”, no less) to such a wide audience. Isn’t that the kind of thing guys are supposed to tell their friends over beer in a barroom? Apparently, not anymore. Since that message, I viewed many updates over the years that followed. My friend is now married to the woman referenced above. They have children. And a dog. I’ve seen photos of their family vacations. And it’s kinda funny, because I’ve only actually seen my friend in person about five times in the past decade.

That brings me to the current topic that’s on my mind: sharing the details of one’s life via social media. Methinks this is going to be at least a 3-part series.

While I was married, Facebook wasn’t open to anyone but college students, and Greg and I had “graduated” from the use of Instant Messenger. There was no login code for people to find out what we were doing on the weekends. We enjoyed a very traditional existence, one in which secrets were shared via hushed voices and photos were printed on glossy paper and then either framed or stashed away in a box. We had a close-knit group of friends that we actually hung out with and if something needed to be said, we used our voices instead of our fingers (whoa, I suddenly feel so old). I had no idea that I was experiencing the end of that era.

Ex-BF and I were already together for a couple years before we both signed up for Facebook. At first I got caught up in the constant sharing of status updates, photos, videos, comments, etc. In the beginning, I posted several photo albums featuring myself, ex-BF and the boys. And then I realized, those aren’t my kids and I don’t actually “know” most of my “friends” all that well. At that point, I went on a friend-deleting spree (this was before I had grasped the power of alllllllllll those privacy controls) and I stopped posting pictures of the kids.

As time wore on, I became increasingly sensitive about what I fed my Facebook page. At one point, I read an Eckhart Tolle book and became disgusted with the validate-my-ego nature of the FB Beast. I halted all status updates for a decent period of time and when I did return to posting, most of what I shared was cause-related.

As a couple, ex-BF and I did not publicize our relationship. Neither of us listed a relationship status in our profile. We didn’t post lovey message on each other’s walls. We usually didn’t interact with each other’s threads. We didn’t have to, because we lived together and we talked face-to-face. We even talked in person about what was going on on Facebook. I felt good about the fact that we didn’t publish all of our family or our life activity online. Sure, we were present on the network, but we weren’t all in-your-face about all the details of our lives, especially our relationship. Our Network didn’t know when we had sex, how often we disagreed or what we had for dinner. I liked that. It felt… mature.

Then the relationship ended. My family was obliterated. And now my eyes see things very differently. While it’s true we didn’t flaunt our lives on Facebook, we were still present on Facebook… and we are still present on Facebook. When my marriage broke up, the framed photos were packed in boxes and now they live in my attic. Not this time around. I can’t pack up those images- they’re all out there in a Timeline. Several Timelines, actually. Even if I deleted those memories from my account, there are many others that remain accessible by merely a few clicks and some scrolling. And I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’d rather pack a bunch of keepsakes in boxes and stow them away.

On one hand, I get the fact that the whole point of a timeline is to depict that which is past. But…does it have to be so public? Does everyone have to see that? Do I have to see that every time I log on? There was a time when it was just my life- and it was normal. Right now it’s evidence of a life I no longer have and that sorta hurts (interestingly enough, the stuff here on the blog doesn’t bother me so much because it was used to illustrate issues larger than myself). Later, the time will come when it’s no longer painful but simply irrelevant. Perhaps then I’ll wonder why my new partner has to share the same spotlight as the old one. I wouldn’t display my wedding pictures again, especially not if they were going to share wall space with images of my new family. In a way, it seems disrespectful to the past as well as the present. (…Not to mention the fact that I’m feeling somewhat possessive of that which is gone. I don’t want to look at it right now, yet I do harbor a desire to keep those memories as mine. I want to reserve the right to visit them on a rainy day…just me. Not my hundreds of friends and friends of friends.)

Is anyone else considering this to the degree that I am? If you’re separated/divorced, how public was your “intact family” (i don’t like that phrase)? Did you set intentional boundaries regarding the publication of images and family details? And how do you feel about that now? Do you prefer to have those outdated images out there? Or would you rather they be hidden from the public view?

Love Lesson From The Dog

Bullygirl’s medical crisis forced me to think about a lot of things.  From the upheaval of emotion and outflow of cash came an influx of inner peace and clarity.  I needed this.  I never would have asked for it, but I needed it.  I’d like to extend my humble thanks to The Universe.

It’s been eight days since I brought Bullygirl home and we are still adjusting to our revised lifestyle.  Read:  she hates me a little bit.  It’s no wonder, really- the doctor’s orders are that she must spend 99.9% of her time in her crate for the next several weeks.  She’s not allowed to romp, jump, play tug-of-war (her favorite game!) or use the stairs…ever again.

“It’s tough love,” the vet told me.  ”But it’s for the best.  You don’t want her to have a re-rupture.”

I most definitely do not want to invite any further problems for Bullygirl.  In fact, I already kind of blame myself for her predicament:  I never insisted that she walk nicely on her leash and for years, her neck has been stressed from all that pulling/jerking.  All of this has me thinking…

Love Means Discipline.

Obviously, this is something we all know on some level.  But sometimes we forget.  Sometimes we’re too selfish to perform the selfless act of loving another.  Sometimes, it’s easier to follow our momentary emotions, “go with the flow”, or ignore the present situation, than it is to consider the bigger picture and take a more responsible course of action.  At times, we’re all guilty of this.  While the topic is plaguing me, I thought I’d share some of my thoughts…

  • Love/Discipline means teaching a puppy to obey commands for his/her safety and your own sanity.
  • Love/Discipline means encouraging children of divorce to continue positive relationships with both parents.
  • Love/Discipline means maintaining one’s integrity in the relationship.
  • Love/Discipline means building a ramp instead of risking a re-rupture.
  • Love/Discipline means communicating, even when the subject matter is uncomfortable.
  • Love/Discipline means administering the yucky-tasting medication.
  • Love/Discipline means moving at the speed of the slowest person, so all stakeholders can appropriately adjust to changes in the family structure.
  • Love/Discipline means enforcing house rules even though you don’t see your children very often.
  • Love/Discipline means exhibiting respect for others, regardless of your relationship status.
  • Love/Discipline means taking little ones to the doctor (or the vet) for shots, despite their protests.
  • Love/Discipline means prioritizing.

“She’s so cute!” is never a good reason to do (or not do) anything.  I lacked the self-discipline to train Bullygirl for her own good.  I failed her and there was a price to pay for that.  I feel terrible.  Moving forward, I know better.  And I’m grateful for the opportunity to continue loving my four-legged companion.

Love means discipline.  I’ll add this to the list of other life/love lessons I’ve learned from my dogs… perhaps I’ll write about more of them another time.

What Does That Mean? Married?

A few weeks ago, I entered into a debate on Twitter about the usage of the term “stepmom”.  I questioned the assertion that “girlfriends” shouldn’t call themselves “stepmoms” unless they have the proper paperwork, ie: marriage certificate.

Now, before I go any further, I should note that I always feel somewhat fraudulent when using the S-word to describe myself, given the fact that I’m not married.  However, I still have to ask the question:  what difference does it make?  What does a marriage certificate prove?  That someone paid for a piece of paper?  What does “marriage” mean anyway?

Last weekend, I took the opportunity to discuss the topic with Josh (age 9) after he mentioned several people he knew were getting married.  The conversation unfolded like this:

Me: What does that mean?

Josh:  It means you live together.

Me:  Does that mean Daddy and I are married?

Josh:  No, you need a certificate.

Me: How do you know we don’t have a certificate?

Josh:  You need rings too.

Me:  Daddy and I have rings.

Josh:  But you have to engage first.

Me:  What does that mean?

Josh:  It means someone asks to get married.

Me:  Oh, so you can’t get married if you don’t get engaged?

Josh:  I guess.  And you have to have a big party too.

Me:  A party? I thought all you needed was a certificate?

Josh:  Well, that’s what Mommy and Stepdad did…. I don’t know.  What does it mean?

Me:  I was just wondering what it meant to you.

Josh:  What does it mean to you?

Me:  I don’t know.  I’m still trying to figure it out.

At some point during that discussion, Josh told me that married people can file their taxes together (Why does he know that?).  He neglected to mention anything about the quality of the relationship or those famous vows that we all know so well.  … Or did he?  Actually, he did state that the worst part of his mother’s wedding was when they stood up front and the minister talked.  I thought that was an interesting tidbit.

Personally, I don’t believe that a piece of paper can prove anything about a relationship: not the husband/wife relationship and certainly not the parent/stepparent/child relationship.  When it comes to my own stepparents, I have an emotional desire to refer to my dad’s girlfriend as my “stepmom” and an alternate urge to refrain from using the S-word when describing my mom’s husband.  Again, it’s about relationships; not paperwork.

What are your thoughts?  Does marriage matter?  Why?  Does certification govern the titles in your family?  Does anyone use more creative titles to describe blended family members?

Relationship Reflections: The Crystal Ball Theory

For the first few months that Boyfriend and I dated, everything was perfect. (Well, everything between us, anyway)  I thought of our relationship like a glorious crystal ball in which we could see not only our past and our future  (one can never glimpse the present, it is a fleeting moment), but also ourselves.  I loved the fact that I could recognize the me within the us.  I loved the fact that everything was so clear and so simple.

And then came our first fight.  Despite our best efforts to keep things under control, tempers flared and emotions ran high.  I remember crying in his apartment as the dust settled, thinking that we’d just marred our crystal ball.  Never again would we be so perfect.  Never again would we be able to look at our relationship and see ourselves so clearly. 

Before Boyfriend, I hadn’t considered the Crystal Ball Theory.  Now as I think back to my marriage, I can apply it and see that the “crystal ball” that was mine and my husband’s relationship might as well have been one of those extra bowling balls at a bowling alley.  It was full of holes and scars and gouges that made one question whether it qualified as a “ball” in the first place.  It was heavy and rather embarrassing to carry around.  There was no clarity- the past was a miserable abyss, I could see no future nor could I recognize myself.  Like a used bowling ball, it served as a constant reminder that better options were available if only I’d make the investment.

Since the divorce, the ball has changed.  It’s much smaller now, as it carries less significance in my life.  But it’s also been polished up a bit.  The civility of our separation and the years we’ve spent apart have allowed for some fresh perspective.  Presently I see reflections of the past- the good as well as the bad.  And I can more clearly see and define who I was as well as who I’ve become as a result of our union and parting.  I sense a future as well… a future of friendly yet far-between chitchat, void of any atrocities which were present in our marriage.

I think I’m on to something with this Crystal Ball Theory.  For as long as we maintain any sort of relationship with another person, the ball will mirror the effects of the experience we subject it to.  Relationships fraught with disaster, disorder and neglect will produce the bowling ball effect.  Yet, when people regard each other with respect, care and compassion, the orb retains its shine and clarity.  Healthy relationships are those which comfortably reflect our past, our future and (most importantly?) our true selves.

Now, before someone reminds me that there is no way to predict the future… I know that.  Unfortunately, no relationship is flawless and therefore no sphere is spotless.  No matter how much we prime and polish and apologize, the ball will remain marked.  Those imperfections can have varying effects on an individual- from doubt to determination.  But always, the spots on the globe will leave the future reflections somewhat incomplete.  As always, the best we can do is respect each other and hope for the best.

(Now that I’ve written this, I feel like designing a workbook for myself:  something to keep track of the major crystal balls in my life: the one between myself and Boyfriend… between me and each of the boys… me and my dad… my boss….  Perhaps I should draw the circles or rate them on a regular basis, I should ask “Who am I?” and consider ways to diminish the effects of past conflicts…    …Or maybe I’ll just think about all of that while I make chocolate chip cookies…I was never all that great at art anyway…)

The D-Spot Teleclass

On March 23, Meredith and I participated in a teleclass with Laura Campbell, founder of the D-Spot community for divorced/divorcing women.  If you didn’t get a chance to join us live, you can listen here.  The recording is just under an hour long.

I thought our conversation went extremely well.  Meredith and I discussed The She Said/She Said Project in addition to the personal struggles and triumphs we’ve endured as our lives have evolved post-divorce.  We talked about our ideal visions, the obstacles we face, the effect of others and the importance of considering the unique circumstances surrounding each member of each family.  It was a nice talk.

One thing that stuck with me was the idea of the mom and stepmom figures talking to each other “as women”.  I think it’s important to make the distinction and realize that the person on the other side of “the man” is more than just his ex or his current partner- she’s her own person.  Yet, so often this is impossible because we interact with Her only through the context of Him.  We suggested the possibility of Mom and Dad’s Partner having a sit down chat without dad… and building a healthy respect for each other as a result.  Isn’t that a happy thought?  I imagine, by removing Dad from the equation, the women could more quickly find their common ground.  I’d like to think that we’re all inherently decent people… on some level.  The sooner we find that place, the better things will be for everyone.

I’m sure other tidbits from our conversation might spawn more posts in the future… like I said, it was a good discussion.  I was honored to be Laura’s guest.  She’s an inspiring leader for her community- don’t forget to check out The D-Spot :)

Dad’s Partner: The Emotions

Welcome to week 2 of my up-close look at Dad’s Partner (revisit Week 1 here).

I could be wrong, but I think society’s impression of the divorced dad and his new love goes something like this:  Dad trades Wife for a sleek-looking newer model.  Together, the two of them jet around the world, having lots of fun.  While living the high life, they spend all that money that Dad isn’t paying in child support.  He shows off his shiny arm candy every chance he gets and they constantly flaunt their status in (now) Ex-Wife’s face.  Dad and New Love find joy in their part-time parenthood of Dad’s kids.  Discipline is infrequent and trips to Disneyland are plentiful.  Life is grand and everyone smiles all the time.  At least, that’s what we see in the pictures…

Of course, that’s just a stereotype.  Today, I’d like to present some of the less-happy feelings which plague Dad’s Partner.  The following is an accurate portrayal of my own emotional inventory and I’m fairly certain these are widely applicable to most women partnered with a dad.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Boyfriend with everything I have and I treasure our relationship.  I adore his kids and I’m grateful for their presence in my life.  If I wasn’t absolutely certain about that and firmly committed to this family, I would have run away a long time ago.  But the truth is (as it is for everyone), it’s not all roses and daisies and trips to Disneyland (I’ve never been to Disneyland and I’ve no desire to go there).  Dad’s partner isn’t shiny arm candy (nor is she a loathsome troll), she’s a human being.  As such, there are times when she feels….

Inadequate.  Especially if she doesn’t have her own children.  And even if she does, there are still things she’ll never do as well as Mom and Dad.  I was mercilessly attacked by The Mom (aka Boyfriend’s ex) for my childless status.  As a result, I tried to learn what I didn’t know.  I read books, took a parenting class and volunteered in an elementary school.  When The Mom heard of this, she laughed haughtily and said something to the effect of, “Sure, but she’ll never know my children.  There are some things you just can’t learn from a book.”  (Ugh.)

Insecure.  Often, I feel like I’m engaged in a conflict with someone in my family.  There’s the unspoken/ongoing conflict with The Mom (she is part of my extended family… like it or not.).  The boys endure their own loyalty conflicts of which I am a cause.  There are times when my direction to the kids is overridden by another family member.  Sometimes I get those looks from Boyfriend to let me know he disapproves of something I’m about to say.  The kids resent me for correcting their inappropriate behavior… and on… and on… Given the position of Dad’s partner (not The Mom, not the First Wife, not the Longest Partnership, etc), these conflicts can eat away at a person’s self-confidence.  This can result in those second-guess-type questions:  Does he really love me?  Do they value me at all?  Would these people be better off if I disappeared?  Is this actually what I want?  Can I handle this?

Dad’s Partner has her share of conflicts and insecurities.  She craves reassurance, understanding and validation on a regular basis.  ***I’d like to take a moment here and express my gratitude to Boyfriend’s Mom, who has shown me nothing but love, acceptance and appreciation from Day 1.  Her support has meant more than I can express.***

Fear.  Dad’s Partner is taking a huge risk.  She gives her all, knowing that she will suffer a 100% loss if the relationship ends.  When Mom and Dad split up, they (most of the time) continue to share the kids… but, if Dad’s girlfriend/partner/wife leaves the picture, she will likely not see the kids again.  Ever.  Her family will simply move on without her… after everything she did for them….all for nothing!  That’s a scary thought.

Intimidated.  Let’s face it:  Mom is scary.  It doesn’t matter if she’s nice, mean or insane.  We are intimidated because Mom has seniority.  Mom is The Mom.  Mom has established turf.  She’s the one who created the kids by doing-you-know-what with Dad.  She has all the insider knowledge about Dad, the kids and Dad’s family.  And if Mom hates Dad’s Partner?  Well, that makes it even worse, of course!

We all know how dangerous it is to upset “Mama Bear”, right?  And I’ve heard people suggest that Dad’s Partner needs to be the one to make a peace offering if Mama Bear is offended.  Now… let me ask:  what person in his/her right mind is going to approach an angry bear?  Seriously!  Can you blame Dad’s Partner for being a little too intimidated to venture into the bear’s den?

Attacked/Defensive.  Sometimes Dad’s Partner comes under serious fire.  Maybe she didn’t wash the clothes correctly.  Perhaps she was present in an unexpected place.  Maybe she said something, or didn’t say something, and it caused a reaction.  We can trace these emotions and their consequential actions all the way back to elementary school:  “You think I’m stupid?  I’m not stupid, I got an A in math!  And besides… you’re ugly!”

It’s a vicious cycle.  In my case, I stopped communicating directly with Boyfriend’s ex pretty early on… but that didn’t thwart her attacks… which continued to escalate my defenses…  As a result, I wasted precious time barfing my defensive arguments all over Boyfriend.  Poor guy.  I don’t do that anymore.  At least, not very often. 

Powerless.  I’m talking about relationships.  Dad’s Partner might be a kind person.  She can be loving and giving and affectionate.  She can be appreciative and patient and always take the high road.  And that’s nice.  But the fact is that Dad’s Kids and Dad’s Ex are the ones who determine what kind of relationship they want to have with Dad’s Partner.  She could be Mother Teresa reincarnated and still be regarded with a violent hatred.  And… there’s nothing she can do about it.  Doesn’t that suck?

(I realize this principle is true of all relationships.  The complicating factor here is that most decisions regarding relationships with Dad’s Partner are swayed by underlying emotions resulting from historical events which pre-date her arrival.  She is the target of mom’s feelings of rejection and the children’s sense of loss.)

Confused.  Where do I fit in?  How much authority do I have?  What is my role?  Is it appropriate for me to discuss this issue?  Where should I sit at the school play?  Why does this teacher seem to hate me? But that’s not my fault!  What should the kids call my parents?  Is Saturday’s little league game more important than my sister’s birthday party?  What did I do to deserve this?  Should I handle this my way or his way? …or her way?  What would Mom do in this scenario?  Should I punish them now or let Dad do it when he gets home?  Why is he so lenient with them?  Why is he acting so distant?  Why is she angry?  What can I do to make this better?  How can I show her I’m not a threat?  What could/should/can I do??

Alone.  Unless she’s immersed herself in a supportive stepmom community, Dad’s Partner is lonely.  Family issues affect her in a unique way and quite often she suffers in silence.  Her friends don’t get it.  Her family doesn’t get it.  And Dad doesn’t get it.  (Oh…and society generally considers her to be evil, thanks to those poisonous fairy tales)

Frustrated.  This kinda goes without saying, doesn’t it?

…Obviously, many of these emotions are inter-related.  And the bold points on the list probably look familiar even if you’re not in a StepMomish position (isn’t it funny how, deep inside, we’re all the same?).  Please… tell me what you think….

Who Built The Wall?

Yesterday, I hopped on Facebook and discovered this in my news feed:

“i am amazed that what hindered me from having the relationship that i always wanted was myself and all that i couldn’t see clearly. it opens my eyes to other areas where i feel like i can’t achieve what i dream of, feeling like i can’t find the source of the giant wall between me and my goals, and makes me swallow a little hard realizing that the wall-builder is me.”

The status update came from Tim and Christina Lewis of The Redesign Company and the verbiage is feedback from their clients.

I met Tim Lewis, a marriage coach, at my divorce coach training last year.  I admired his initiative he was there to gain perspective, to have a better understanding into the background of his clients who were on their second marriages.  He and Christina, an interior decorator, have been happily married for many years and together they help couples “redesign” their “home” (ie: relationship and physical surroundings).  If you live near Davidson, NC and are interested in such services, check them out:  lovecominghome.com or facebook.com/lovecominghome And, even if you aren’t close by, you might want to check them out anyway… if only to enjoy the photos and scan their blog.

What struck me about the above text is that it so personally reveals the epiphany that each of us has the power to obtain (or at least strongly influence) what we so deeply desire… and, if we aren’t successful, perhaps we’re doing something to thwart our own progress.  This applies to relationships as well as other goals in life.

In the arena of divorce and stepfamilies, it’s easy to get caught up in the drama and align against the ex or the ex’s family.  It’s comforting to take shelter behind an expensive and aggressive attorney.  It’s painless to dismiss someone as uncaring or incompetent simply because he/she is different.  But that kind of behavior establishes enemies and runs up the lawyer’s bill.  Indeed, it is the behavior that builds walls.

Looking in the mirror and taking responsibility for what’s wrong in our lives isn’t easy.  But quite often, it’s the only way to get back on track.

Poisonous Fairytales

A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with a man who told me of a conflict with a female in his family.  After months of estrangement, he negotiated a situation which forced the two of them to face each other in a restaurant.  Once there, he attempted to address their issue.

“I asked why she’d been so distant,” he told me.  “And she said it was because I ‘didn’t try hard enough’.”

“That makes sense to me,” I explained.  “She wanted you to pursue her in some way.  When your force didn’t match her standards, she concluded you didn’t care enough and you weren’t worth it.”

My friend looked bewildered.  “But I don’t play that way,” he said.  “When she said she didn’t want to talk to me, I let her have her space.”

“Yeah I get that,” I assured him.  “Unfortunately, she doesn’t.”

Since our conversation, I’ve given this issue a lot more thought.  And I think I blame Cinderella.

Little girls have been raised to believe that Prince Charming will tirelessly travel to every house for miles and miles until he finds his true love… this, after mice are magically transformed into horses.  We’re programmed to believe that those who love us (parents, siblings, lovers, fairy godmothers) will do whatever it takes… whatever that means.

Example:  Some time ago, Boyfriend and I endured some drama after an emotionally-charged weekend with the boys.  Following a heated argument, as well as some allergy issues, he took an anti-histamine and went to bed…  At 2 a.m. I was still awake, replaying the drama over and over and over.  And I was sobbing.  Hard.  Looking at Boyfriend slumbering peacefully, I was filled with rage.  How can he just lie there and sleep? I thought.  I’m suffering!  Why won’t he get up and comfort me?

Freakin’ Cinderella.

When my powers of logic and reason returned the following day, I was able to understand how it was that Boyfriend had the audacity to sleep while I sobbed:  he was asleep, ignorant to my tears and more importantly, he can’t read my mind.  Yet, in that moment, I was absolutely certain that he didn’t care because he wasn’t performing some heroic feat.  (Freakin’ Cinderella!)

When I look around, I can see this expectation/conclusion scenario everywhere.  Especially when it comes to divorce… except, in divorce it can be projected onto the children too (“he must not care about them because he didn’t ….”).

Let’s all be mindful of the impact innocent fairy tales can have on real life.  Men:  keep in mind, that is her logic.  Ladies:  remember, he can’t read our minds and he doesn’t always equate emotion with action.

So far, the only cure I can see for this affliction is raw, honest communication.  (Ouch!  Sometimes I’d rather be violated by a syringe full of medication)

TED Talk: “Why We Love and Cheat”

This is an  interesting talk from Helen Fisher, an anthropologist who has studied “love” at length.   Here, she discusses lust, love, attachment, men and women.  She also offers a forecast for the future of relationships/marriage.

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