Category Archives: Personal Favorites

An Exercise In Surrender

(How many times have I mentioned my therapist lately?  More than once, right?)

My therapist has a sign on her wall, to the left of the couch where I sit.  It says “The Five Fold Path”… #1 is “Be Here Now”… #5 is “Surrender the Outcome”.   Those steps are the most succinct and memorable, thus they are the only ones I’ve committed to memory.

My therapeutic journey has been nothing short of fascinating.  With the help of M, I’ve delved into my childhood, my relationships with my parents, my relationships with my partners and my self in a manner that has allowed me to gain a new level of clarity.  I’m now able to see all kinds of *things* that I couldn’t before… patterns have emerged… certain thoughts and feelings have lost their significance… and I’m learning to find stability within myself amidst whatever drama swirls about in my daily existence.  (And I thought I was oh-so-enlightened before.  Ha!)

In one session, I was given a homework assignment:  construct a collage reflecting the words “Vulnerability”, “Asking” and “Receiving”.  I left M’s office with a sense of purpose.  It had been a long time since I embarked on such an art project and I excitedly planned the details in my head.  I reviewed my method of collage creation:  define a design, compile pictures, meticulously cut those pictures out and place them so that each piece of paper is both under as well as on top of at least one other item.  My plans were taking shape…

I gathered a bunch of magazines (acquired for free due to budget constraints).  As I set to work at finding pictures, I was surprised to discover that it was rather difficult.  The magazines were filled with images depicting perfection, empowerment and performance… if I wanted images about vulnerability, asking and receiving, I’d have to alter my perspective on what I was looking at.  So, I did.  With a little shift in perception, I was able to tear out many pages… oddly enough, many of them featured fruit.

The night before my next session with M, I prepared to put my collage together.  By that time, my new perspective extended beyond just the pictures I compiled.  Instead of purchasing a piece of posterboard, I decided to use an old sheet of cardboard that I used to protect the floor in my basement during a spray painting project. I’d been walking on it for months… so it was pretty vulnerable, right?  I hauled it up from the basement, placed it on my living room floor and considered it.  In its previous existence, the piece of cardboard was a box.  There were flaps on the edges; its shape was imperfect.  Instead of cutting it into a new shape, I decided to leave it as it was.  Next, I turned to my pile of magazine pages.  Again, I opted to try a new approach:  instead of using scissors and carefully cutting out the shapes, I ripped them (with the exception of one image in particular that I insisted be crisp).  As I glued the shiny paper to the cardboard, I followed no rules regarding placement.  I impulsively secured each item without strategy.  And I didn’t even use all the pictures I’d collected… some of them just didn’t feel right anymore.  I left crude edges and naked spaces.  I felt a little lazy and irresponsible… yet, I also felt free and creative.  Contrary to my initial intent, I wasn’t constructing a collage but rather witnessing a collage take form.

I was fully present in the moment and I had surrendered the outcome.

The next day, I marched into M’s office and proudly placed my artwork on the table in front of her.  I sat beside her as I pointed out certain images and chattered happily about what they meant to me and what I learned from the assignment.

“I let go,” I told her.  “I planned enough to make it happen, but I didn’t try to control every aspect of it.  And… the end result is OK!  I mean… it’s perfectly imperfect.” (just like me.)

M smiled.  “You really grew from this,” she observed.

I nodded.  “I did.  And I don’t think I’m done.  There’s all these empty spaces… and the other side… by handling it the way I did, I left so many open possibilities.  It has so much potential!” (just like me.)

We spent the rest of the session talking about how much we don’t know and how much we can’t control and how none of it matters anyway ;)

“Softness triumphs over hardness, feebleness over strength. What is malleable is always superior over that which is immovable. This is the principle of controlling things by going along with them, of mastery through adaptation.” – Lao Tzu

A Work In Progress

Mental Makeover: Divorce Ceremonies!

I think we need to start holding Divorce Ceremonies.  Like in that movie, Under the Tuscan Sun, when Diane Lane’s marriage falls apart her friends get her a cake and they say “weddings begin with cake and they should end with cake too.” (or something to that effect).  I love that!!  And I want to take it a few steps further.

In order to properly hold a Divorce Ceremony, a lot of people would need a mental makeover when it comes to marriage and divorce.  The ceremony (or, as a friend of mine suggested, “Parting Party”) demonstrates an attitude that divorce is an event- not an indication of failure.

Divorce really is just an event.  It represents two adults being truthful about their feelings and deciding to move on in separate directions.  It doesn’t mean the marriage wasn’t a success.  It simply means that the partnership is no longer healthy and effective.

Follow along in my fantasy, if you will:  Let’s pretend that Bill and Kim Harsco (fictional characters) married young and have been married for twelve years.  They have 2 children, Katie and Doug, ages 9 and 5.  After four years in therapy, the marriage isn’t getting better and the couple feels the urge to disband.  They are honest with each other as they discuss the details and define their goals:  Goal #1- they don’t want this decision to negatively impact their children.

After making the appropriate arrangements and coming to an agreement (with minimal hostility, of course), Kim and Bill celebrate their new lives with a Parting Party.  The event is held on a beautiful sunny day at a local park.  Friends and family attend a ceremony during which the previous couple exchanges new vows:  “I accept responsibility for myself and the choices I’ve made.  I promise to respect you as a co-parent and work with you as our children grow.  I forgive you and I wish you the best in your new life.”

Following the ceremony is a celebration as this family begins its next phase.  Katie and Doug feel secure knowing that this change doesn’t mean they can’t love both parents.  Katie is excited because Bill’s new apartment complex has a pool.  Doug wants his second bedroom to have a baseball theme.  They know that things will be different but they realize that “different” doesn’t equal “bad”.  And everyone is excited and optimistic about the opportunities that lie ahead.

The F-Word

I’m pretty loose with the F-word.  I think it’s all due to a TV show I watched when I was younger.  Many people don’t approve.  Sometimes I use it and observe a raised eyebrow or a slight catching of breath.  Certain people are downright appalled by my use of the word in situations they find inappropriate.  That’s OK.  To each his own, I suppose.  For me, I plan to continue my unabashed use of that word regardless of what others think about it.

The word I’m referring to, of course, is “family”.  At some point during my formative years, I tuned the TV to an episode of Kate and Allie, an 80′s-era sitcom featuring two divorcees and their children living together in the Big Apple.  The plot of the episode I recall had to do with a new landlady enforcing alternative rules about who could live under her roof.  The evil owner demanded that her tenants be families- and Kate and Allie didn’t qualify because they were merely childhood friends.  Upon discovering that homosexual couples were acceptable, the dynamic duo briefly pretended to be gay.  That plan didn’t last; however, and the episode concluded with a speech about how Ms. Landlady had no right to tell them what a “family” is- because a family is any group of people choosing to share their lives.

These days, I see “families” where others don’t.  My dad’s girlfriend is my family.  My boyfriend’s parents are my family.  My dogs are my family.  Love is not contingent upon bloodlines nor legal certificates.

Sometimes television takes a break from rotting our brains… just enough to open our minds.

A Better Way to Wed

I have this theory about why so many marriages fail.  Actually, I have several theories (please refer to Why Marry? and Why Marry? continued)…

So, one of my other theories has to do with the way we treat weddings- as a society:

  • When a couple decides to marry, they throw an engagement party (yay!)
  • The pending matrimony is announced in the newspapers (fame!)
  • Then, sometime before the wedding, someone throws another party for the Bride (yay!)
  • As well, someone throws a party for the Groom (hurray!)
  • The couple instructs everyone what gifts to buy them by registering at their favorite stores (presents!)
  • All the girls go buy pretty new dresses!  And shoes!  And sticky bras (yay x3!)
  • Professional primpers are brought in to make sure everyone looks flawless (glamor!)
  • A professional picture person is hired to capture every glorious moment (paparazzi!)
  • Exclusive transportation is retained so the captivating couple can travel in style (yay!)
  • A fabulous mountain of pre-approved gifts grows as guests enter the reception (yay!)
  • Mr. and Mrs. X dance the night away among their adoring friends and family (awww!)
  • The big hurrah is followed up with an extravagant honeymoon- romance abounds (woo hoo!)

… But that’s not what marriage is about.

The special day comes and goes.  Mr. and Mrs. X return from their honeymoon to a mountain of bills, the obligation to write 231 thank-you cards, work, expectations, 3 sets of dishes, 2 blenders, 4 coffee makers, a new Family Roster, and a bunch of people asking when the “bun” will be put in the “oven”.

By the time the former Bride gets around to posting their overpriced pictures on Facebook, the rest of the world has moved on and the few compliments she gets pale in comparison to the droves of people who turned out to worship her on her wedding day.  And now the former Groom’s friends want him to tell them about the bikini-clad blondes he saw on the beach… And soon the wife is nagging her husband to pick his wet towels off the bathroom floor… Where did all the good times go?

The way we do marriage, we are set up for failure.  Think about it: the cake, the toasts, the fantasy-coming-true… Nothing gets any better than that!  At least, not with a typical All-American Material Mindset.  It’s all downhill from there…

Ah, but I’d like to propose a solution:  a change in procedures, to ensure a more realistic outlook and firm commitment from the participants.  I’d like to suggest that couples who plan to wed be required to give away 50% of their money and possessions.  This act of charity will not only benefit those less fortunate, it will also cut down on the excess of coffee makers at the new marital homestead.  Additionally, it exhibits a willingness to sacrifice for your mate- an imperative component of any stable marriage.  Furthermore, I’d like to introduce a new ceremony:  the ceremonial fist fight in which the happy couple beats the hell out of each other while their friends and families are free to observe, cheer and throw things.  I realize this sounds harsh… but really, don’t people end up doing a lot worse to each other in a metaphorically similar forum as they tread through a less-than-blissful existence together?  (think of the phone calls to Mom, the arguments in front of the kids and the time you threw that wine bottle…).  No party afterward- no parties allowed until the one year anniversary.  Then go for broke- after it’s earned.

Under my New Plan, couples would think seriously before initiating or accepting a marriage proposal.  They would start out with less stuff—meaning, they’d need to work together to provide for each other.  They would begin their journey broken and bruised- learning immediately the importance of apologies and healing wounds instead of carving new ones.  Let’s start with the hard stuff and celebrate the actual accomplishments.  Really- it makes sense, doesn’t it?

Coincidentally enough, my mom just announced her own engagement.  While she doesn’t doubt the intelligence behind my theories, she is not interested in the style of ceremony advocated above.

Razors and Risks

Found this is my journal…

At the time I made this entry, I had been married for a little over a year.  And still, I would remain married for another 6 months until circumstances merged and I had a reason to file for divorce.

Why do people stay unhappy for so long?  Why is marriage truly suicidal for so many people?  I know many who have taken various routes of escape:  dangerous affairs, alcohol, drugs, fantasy football, prolonged sleep… but they wouldn’t actually leave.

I’ve heard lots of explanations too:  people stay together for the kids, the house, the finances, the holidays, soccer season…. or the hope (without action) for the relationship to improve.

It reminds me of the joke about the 90 year old couple in divorce court.  The judge asked “Why now?  You’re ninety years old.”  And they replied, “We wanted to wait until the kids were dead.”

Are these really noble motives?  Or are they simply excuses for doing nothing- for remaining miserable because misery has become such an expected state of existence?  I think it’s often a comfort issue… because leaving means venturing into something different.  And for some reason, we fear “different” more than we fear “life-threatening”.  I suppose too, that some are addicted to the drama of a volatile marriage:  If we break up, who would I fight with?  How else am I going to feel so alive?

Ah, but the truly abusive situations are another story altogether.  Tonight, I was thinking mainly of those who plainly coexist.  The ones who quietly fantasize about the life they could be living if they weren’t tied to the person they share a passionless bed with.  That’s the dull pain I remember clearly and am so thankful to have left behind.  It’s these people to whom I want reach out with encouragement.

“And the day came when the risk to remain in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.” -Anais Nin

Why Marry?

I knew I shouldn’t have gotten married. I told everyone that I didn’t want my father to walk me down the aisle because I didn’t want him to feel, after the divorce that he “gave his daughter to that asshole”. I insisted on a small wedding because I wanted to save money for the divorce. I kept my receipts for everything related to the dogs so that I could prove myself to be the appropriate caregiver in the event we split households. LOL…why did I bother buying the dress and curling my hair?

I’m generally pretty good with dates, yet I don’t remember the date of my engagement. I recall sitting on the couch with my eyes closed, Elvis music playing in the background… I opened my eyes to see my boyfriend on both knees, holding a small box containing a round cut, .73 carat diamond in a custom platinum setting. We’d been living together for 2 years. Our financial situation was good and forecasted to get much better. We had a dog. He took care of my car. I liked his parents. We were friends. We had friends. Isn’t this just what people do? I couldn’t think of a reason to say no.

And now I notice it all the time… people getting married because they think that’s what they’re supposed to do. I’ve seen engaged couples smile at each other through clenched jaws while they stay together for the sake of the wedding. Isn’t that ridiculous? Staying together so you can get through one day which will inevitably leave you exhausted and broke?! And then what? Oh—the honeymoon! And the gifts! Surely, things will get better after the wedding because the planning will be over and there will be gifts and a romantic vacation to enjoy! Surely, this sense of dread and unhappiness is the result of stress from all that food tasting and dress shopping…

I think that sense of dread should be given more attention. I think more people know better, but they’re afraid to speak up. Marriage is not a requirement of adulthood. It’s not an obligation of parenthood. And it is not essential to financial stability.

My divorce was final on November 9 and since then I’ve been able to purchase my own home, go back to school and indulge myself appropriately in other interests. I feel like me again. I don’t know who I would be right now if ….

When a marriage is wrong from the beginning, it will probably never be right. In the USA, we believe in life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Married people should be allowed to pursue happiness through the liberty of divorce. And they should be able to do so without such extreme disapproval from the society we live in. In fact, they should be congratulated and supported… and dammit, give them presents! Because now they actually need a coffee maker and a toaster- the ex kept the one you gave them as a wedding gift.