Category Archives: Special Projects

Social Media and The Relationship

“[Insert Female Name]: Great friend; greater lover.”

The text above was featured in the AIM Away Message of a friend of mine several years ago. Upon reading it, I remember wondering why he would want to broadcast his sexual escapades (with a mere “friend”, no less) to such a wide audience. Isn’t that the kind of thing guys are supposed to tell their friends over beer in a barroom? Apparently, not anymore. Since that message, I viewed many updates over the years that followed. My friend is now married to the woman referenced above. They have children. And a dog. I’ve seen photos of their family vacations. And it’s kinda funny, because I’ve only actually seen my friend in person about five times in the past decade.

That brings me to the current topic that’s on my mind: sharing the details of one’s life via social media. Methinks this is going to be at least a 3-part series.

While I was married, Facebook wasn’t open to anyone but college students, and Greg and I had “graduated” from the use of Instant Messenger. There was no login code for people to find out what we were doing on the weekends. We enjoyed a very traditional existence, one in which secrets were shared via hushed voices and photos were printed on glossy paper and then either framed or stashed away in a box. We had a close-knit group of friends that we actually hung out with and if something needed to be said, we used our voices instead of our fingers (whoa, I suddenly feel so old). I had no idea that I was experiencing the end of that era.

Ex-BF and I were already together for a couple years before we both signed up for Facebook. At first I got caught up in the constant sharing of status updates, photos, videos, comments, etc. In the beginning, I posted several photo albums featuring myself, ex-BF and the boys. And then I realized, those aren’t my kids and I don’t actually “know” most of my “friends” all that well. At that point, I went on a friend-deleting spree (this was before I had grasped the power of alllllllllll those privacy controls) and I stopped posting pictures of the kids.

As time wore on, I became increasingly sensitive about what I fed my Facebook page. At one point, I read an Eckhart Tolle book and became disgusted with the validate-my-ego nature of the FB Beast. I halted all status updates for a decent period of time and when I did return to posting, most of what I shared was cause-related.

As a couple, ex-BF and I did not publicize our relationship. Neither of us listed a relationship status in our profile. We didn’t post lovey message on each other’s walls. We usually didn’t interact with each other’s threads. We didn’t have to, because we lived together and we talked face-to-face. We even talked in person about what was going on on Facebook. I felt good about the fact that we didn’t publish all of our family or our life activity online. Sure, we were present on the network, but we weren’t all in-your-face about all the details of our lives, especially our relationship. Our Network didn’t know when we had sex, how often we disagreed or what we had for dinner. I liked that. It felt… mature.

Then the relationship ended. My family was obliterated. And now my eyes see things very differently. While it’s true we didn’t flaunt our lives on Facebook, we were still present on Facebook… and we are still present on Facebook. When my marriage broke up, the framed photos were packed in boxes and now they live in my attic. Not this time around. I can’t pack up those images- they’re all out there in a Timeline. Several Timelines, actually. Even if I deleted those memories from my account, there are many others that remain accessible by merely a few clicks and some scrolling. And I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’d rather pack a bunch of keepsakes in boxes and stow them away.

On one hand, I get the fact that the whole point of a timeline is to depict that which is past. But…does it have to be so public? Does everyone have to see that? Do I have to see that every time I log on? There was a time when it was just my life- and it was normal. Right now it’s evidence of a life I no longer have and that sorta hurts (interestingly enough, the stuff here on the blog doesn’t bother me so much because it was used to illustrate issues larger than myself). Later, the time will come when it’s no longer painful but simply irrelevant. Perhaps then I’ll wonder why my new partner has to share the same spotlight as the old one. I wouldn’t display my wedding pictures again, especially not if they were going to share wall space with images of my new family. In a way, it seems disrespectful to the past as well as the present. (…Not to mention the fact that I’m feeling somewhat possessive of that which is gone. I don’t want to look at it right now, yet I do harbor a desire to keep those memories as mine. I want to reserve the right to visit them on a rainy day…just me. Not my hundreds of friends and friends of friends.)

Is anyone else considering this to the degree that I am? If you’re separated/divorced, how public was your “intact family” (i don’t like that phrase)? Did you set intentional boundaries regarding the publication of images and family details? And how do you feel about that now? Do you prefer to have those outdated images out there? Or would you rather they be hidden from the public view?

Guest Post: Take Advantage of Yourself

The following guest post offers some tips to survive and thrive while one is single.  It’s brought to you by Erin Whitehead…

Relationships are great (or at least I heard on an online dating site). Dating is fun or can at least make for funny stories.  Having a crush can make every part of your day seem more exciting. But in between romantic endeavors a lot of people become total downers. Suddenly being single is a prison sentence instead of a choice.  Being unattached seems to signify you’re defective in some way.  While finding love may in fact be the core reason we do everything we do, it’s not the only reason. There’s a lot to be gained from being alone for a while, so many advantages to the single life.  By living it up instead of sad sacking around, you’ll not only have more fun, but it’ll likely improve your next relationship.

  1. Who do you think you are? It’s easy to lose touch with who you are when you’re in a relationship.  Even if you’re an independent person, being with someone else means compromise. At least half the time you’re doing things they want to do. You might like them to, but were they your first choice? Being single means doing exactly what you want to do. If this means lying on the floor listening to 90′s indie rock and crying about being alone, look further. The more cool, new things you figure out you like doing, the more fun you’ll have which means you’ll be more fun which means more people will be drawn to you because people like fun. They don’t like crying.
  2. Invest in your friends. Hopefully you aren’t that person who got a boyfriend or girlfriend and quickly became too busy for your pals. But if you are, now’s the time to make amends. Ask everyone you’ve been neglecting and anyone you’ve ever found interesting or wanted to get to know out for lunches or coffees or drinks or whatever. Your calendar will be full and you’ll open yourself up to conversations, opportunities, and perspectives you can’t get from one significant other.
  3. Be good to yourself. It’s easy to fall into a habit of self-improvement for the sole purpose of attracting or pleasing someone else. And while it feels great to get attention from another person, it’s not the strongest way to shine. What if you exercised knowing no one (in the immediate future anyway) would feel those hardened abs. What if you shaved your legs and did facial masks even though you’re sleeping alone? Doing things for yourself reminds you that you’re worthy of being taken care of regardless of your relationship status.
  4. Yay, project time! Please don’t take this to mean scrap booking. Scrap booking is just living in the past masquerading as glue and borders. But surely there’s something you always meant to do or thought you might like to try that always seemed to fall to the wayside when there was someone else around. Paint your bedroom a new color (avoid deep chocolate brown – just trust me on that). Start writing your memoirs. Volunteer. Learn to make ice cream. Whatever. The point is doing something simply because it sounds cool because you can.
  5. Dance like no one’s watching. And see, no one is, so it’s perfect. When you were attached there was always someone around limiting your private behavior. They didn’t do it intentionally but being in the company of another person naturally squashes your impulses. Now you can put on your terrible 90′s indie rock and dance (not cry) to it. You can walk around talking to yourself. You can practice singing while you cook. You can make faces in the mirror. You can google everyone you ever had a crush on and look at what idiots they are now. You can sit around in your underwear enjoying the cool breeze with the confidence that no sweaty dude is going to try to replace the remote with his… hand. What I’m saying is live it up. The faster you do the faster you’ll be attached and then you’ll miss these days.

Erin Whitehead is a writer and blogger for www.onlinedatingsites.net

Guest Post: More Dating Tips

For those of you in Britain who are looking for some royal romance of your own, I’m happy to present this latest guest post from Ivana Vitali.  Below are some helpful hints for anyone looking to begin dating after a divorce…

Dating After Divorce

What if you’ve dated for years, successfully hooked a partner, and then found out they weren’t right for you after all? With 45% of British first marriages ending in divorce, there are a lot of people out there wondering how to pick themselves up after a separation from a partner – and how to get back out there into the dating world.

Many people, especially those who’ve come out of long marriages, fear the dating scene will be totally different nowadays and they won’t be able to acclimatise. The good news is that this belief is largely unfounded. As Jane Austen shows us, even over the centuries the dating scene doesn’t change all that much. Here are a few tips for stress-free dating after divorce:

Use your single friends…

These are the people who will really know their way around the dating scene. Get a single friend to take you round the best bars for meeting someone, or to help you set up an internet dating profile. Dating will seem a lot less intimidating when you have a seasoned expert helping you out!

See opportunities everywhere…

You may have found your wife or husband in your twenties in a club, bar or party, but this is far from the only way mature people meet and date. You’re more likely to meet a new partner at an evening class, a concert hall or theatre – or even down the shops! Many divorced people worry about their children getting in the way of dating, but actually the school gates, afterschool clubs, and the local swimming pool can be all be great places to meet new people in a similar situation. You’re not the only one who’s divorced with children and looking for a new partner – many people are in the same boat, and you may be more compatible with these people than those who do not have children.

Think about your ex as little as possible…

And never talk about them! Nowadays, everybody accepts that new dates inevitably come with their own baggage. But that’s no reason for unpacking it all between the breadsticks and the starters on your first date! Once your divorce is final, it’s best to think about your old partner as little as possible. They definitely shouldn’t be a factor in how you perceive your new date. If you’re always making comparisons, you won’t be able to appreciate your new partner.

Learn from your experience…

The good thing about dating when divorced is that you’ve had time to think about what you want, and what you don’t want, from a relationship. So, make a list of your known deal breakers and stick to them. The same goes for desirable characteristics.

Remember – dating after divorce can be a lot of fun. Whether you live in London, Glasgow or Bradford, dating online and in the real world are both a lot simpler than you think.

Author Ivana Vitali works to further the online promotion of eHarmony through her writing about dating and relationships. 

Dad’s Partner: My Story

One of the most important factors in establishing effective relationships and communication is the ability to understand the other person.  To empathize.  To have compassion.  Especially when that other person is somewhat of an adversary.

Gaining this type of perspective was one of my goals for the She Said/She Said Project.  What you are about to read is another attempt to promote understanding across divorce-drawn lines.  I’d like to showcase more of Dad’s Partner so that Dads and Moms can better see this person.  To do so, I’ll be putting myself under a microscope of sorts… The first installment of this project is my own personal journey.  Next week, I’ll further detail the emotions and insecurities inherent to those women who couple with parents.  And the following week, I’ll discuss some of my favorite resources to help us cope and thrive.

But first things first… here’s a glimpse into my past:

Boyfriend and his wife split up in mid-2006.  After years of unhappiness, the decision to end their marriage was mutual.

In November of the same year, Boyfriend’s ex discovered he was dating someone (that would be me).  At that time, their relationship had plunged into typical post-separation turmoil.  He was coping with a minimally-furnished apartment and a major reduction in the time he spent with the kids.  She was adjusting to a reduced income and the stress of being the primary caregiver (her insistence) of their children.  There was a lot of resentment.  My arrival on the scene served as proof that things would never again be the way they were before.  And that ignited some serious animosity.

I had the misfortune of being present at Boyfriend’s apartment during one of their heated telephone conversations.  When the ex realized I was there, she chose to speak to me.  Her words weren’t kind.  She called me lots of colorful names and offered a multitude of reasons as to why I should want nothing to do with Boyfriend.  At one point during her tirade, I made a sarcastic remark which was taken out of context and used against me for years to come.

Because I had no children, the ex concluded that I was hopelessly immature and irresponsible (how many people become parents by accident?  does parental status really mean a person is responsible?).  She told her children that their father chose his girlfriend over them.  When I met the boys a few months later, it was obvious that my reputation preceded me in their eyes.  Shortly after that, the ex proudly proclaimed that she and the kids held regular “Tara-Bashing Sessions” at their kitchen table.  Hatred became their family value.

My first move with the boys was to show them that I was not a threat to their relationships with either of their parents. One rainy Sunday afternoon, I bought some plastic picture frames with lots of “frame” area and some stickers.  I used my Polaroid 600 to take pictures of the boys with their dad and then gave them the stickers to decorate the frames.  I suggested that they take the photos to their mom’s house and bring back pictures of them with their mom to keep at Boyfriend’s apartment.  They seemed to appreciate the activity and the idea, but they never did bring pictures of their mom.

As time went by, I spent more and more time with the boys and was able to develop a successful relationship with each of them.  While Drake and Josh warmed up to me, their mother remained cold and distant. She said I was white trash.  She called me a whore, a home wrecker and a waste of life… among other things.  She accused me of merely pretending to care about the boys and insisted that I was clueless about children.  She didn’t bother to hide her feelings from the kids.  Knowing how much she loved to hate me, the boys lied to her: they claimed that I called her names, refused to give them medicine if they were sick or that I threatened to lock them in a cage.  Their stories initiated many frantic phone calls laced with angry words.

My friends hinted to me that I was crazy to allow such madness into my life.  Yet, I loved Boyfriend and I loved his children.  Despite the dreaded Sunday Night Accusations, the four of us had fun together.  We spent time hiking and fishing and kayaking and reading.  We enjoyed each other’s company and learned a lot together.  Indeed, I was crazy… I was crazy about the three of them.

The experience further fueled my passion for knowledge regarding All Things Divorce.  I’d been researching divorce since my marriage ended.  With the introduction of the divorced dad, kids and the ex wife, I expanded my horizons.  Early in 2007, I began learning as much as I could about stepfamily dynamics and the contributing factors in our scenario.  I wanted to investigate all possible aspects to comprehend the “hows” and the “whys” of what was going on in my personal life.  I needed to understand my role, how others viewed me and how I could best conduct myself given the circumstances.  Thanks to those books, seminars, webinars, TV programs, classes, blogs, vlogs, trainings, workshops and tweets, I feel I have a better understanding of the issues at play and how to cope with them.

It’s been more than four years since the drama began.  I’m happy to report that it has simmered down quite a bit since the beginning.  Boyfriend and I have exercised a lot compassion and forgiveness in order to let go of the conflicts and move on with our lives.  We adopted the rule, “if you can’t treat me with respect, you aren’t permitted to speak to me” and it has helped foster more effective communication.  The ex wife and Boyfriend get along well enough.  She remarried last year and her husband has a positive relationship with the boys as well as a workable relationship with Boyfriend.  Between the four adults, we operate like a disjointed parenting team.  To the other side of that team, I remain an outsider.  I think they are grateful for my contributions yet have trouble accepting the validity of my presence (perhaps now because Boyfriend and I aren’t married and they are). Our situation is far from my ideal post-divorce vision, but we’ve made progress… and as long as things keep progressing, I’m OK with that.

Total Reflection: The She Said/She Said Project

“A calm sea never made a skilled mariner” (as seen on a T-shirt at Cafepress while searching for a T-shirt that says ‘Buddhists Do It Better’)

For the last Tuesday in February, I’ve decided to post my reflection on the She Said/She Said project. I can honestly say that I’ve learned a lot over the past few weeks. And the outcome was not at all what I expected.

Initially, I approached Meredith about the project because I thought we could set an example: that the two of us could open our blogs and welcome discussion about these topics. Although I am a Girlfriend and she is a Mom, we are not enemies. I thought our discussions would allow us to find some additional understanding and common ground. And I think that happened, but there were some sharp edges along the way.

I was surprised to see the attitudes conveyed through the comment sections. I suppose it’s a natural instinct to simply “make a call and take a stance”. I just wasn’t quite prepared for the way it played out (although, come to think of it, I’ve seen it a thousand times before. I just thought we were different). After stepping away from my own emotions, I can understand where everyone was coming from (some place inside him/herself which was significantly impacted by previous life experience related to our discussion). Advice was served, defenses were ignited and tempers flared. But it’s all good. The experience has further proven to me how necessary it is to communicate effectively (why don’t grades K-12 teach “Communication” along with “English”?).

Some key insights I’m taking away are as follows:

  • All emotions are valid. Not because the emotions are correct, but because they are present.
  • We asked the wrong questions. Personal preferences pale in comparison with the Big Picture. We should have taken a solution-conscious approach and asked not “what do I want?” but rather “what can we do?”
  • There’s always a lot to learn. It’s important to listen whole-heartedly.
  • Hope is still an option.
  • Communication is imperative.
  • Every situation is different.
  • The Blogosphere is a great forum to share information, but there’s no way we can know everything. So have a margarita every time you give/receive advice (the salt thing, get it?).

Just a personal note: I think Meredith is doing a terrific job. Her kids have relationships with both parents, she communicates with her ex on a regular basis and she was open-minded enough to delve into this adventure with me. I respect her immensely and wish her the best.

Again, thank you to everyone who participated, whether you commented here, there or silently in your head. If there’s anything special you learned that you’d like to note, please do so. Your comments are welcome.

Second Thoughts: Celebrations

In light of the insight provided by the comment section for Tuesday’s post, I’d like to change my vote.

Initially, I said that I think the preferences of the child(ren) should be heavily weighted. When I wrote that, I assumed the children would be asked for their input about who should share in their celebrations.  After reading the comments, I now believe that I was wrong.  Children want to make their parents happy- especially if they know that aspects of their parents’ relationship causes one parent or the other to be unhappy.  Therefore, when asked, children will most likely parrot the preference of the inquiring parent.  Thus, I no longer think the kids should make the decision.

I do believe that celebrations are a time to put aside differences and come together to share an event.  If Mom and Dad can agree to a treaty for the sake of the function, then the adults should plan ahead and welcome Mom/Dad’s new partner with silence if not smiles.  I also realize that in some families this is not possible, in which case separate celebrations may be the best option.  The correct answer lies in asking the correct question:  “How can celebrations be handled to provide the maximum experience (and lack of drama) for the kids?”

Thank you, everyone, for reading, considering and sharing your thoughts on the She Said/She Said Project.  I’ve learned a lot and am looking forward to posting my full reflection on the project next week.

She Said/She Said, Part 3

Welcome to Week 3 of the She Said/She Said Project! Last week’s topic generated some heated discussion and I’d like to thank everyone who participated. It’s clear that we’re all drawing on our own experience (ie: pain and lessons learned) and we can learn a lot from each other. Let’s also not forget that we’re each in different stages of our journeys and every voyage through divorce is a little different.

This week, Meredith and I are discussing holidays and special occasions. You’ll find her post below and you can read mine at Now Is Good. I’m looking forward to hear how others have handled these scenarios.

Anyone who read my blog a couple of months ago knows that the issue of celebrating holidays (or more specifically, celebrating Christmas) was recently a central issue in my own little divorce/co-parenting/significant other world. Five days before Christmas, my ex unilaterally decided to alter the way we had agreed to spend Christmas with the kids. He was within his legal rights to do so, but he took very little notice of the effect the last-minute change had on the kids (or on me). The result was a fairly nasty few days spent during a time of year when the pain was felt more acutely than normal. The underlying message my kids heard from their dad’s decision (and subsequent refusal to change his mind despite their protestations) was: This is how I want to spend the holiday and this is how I want the kids to do it, so this is how it will be done. When it comes to most holidays, however, I think that the kids should get the loudest vote.

Since our divorce, my ex and I have worked extremely hard to put aside our personal feelings toward each other and co-parent our children. For us, “co-parenting” has truly meant joint parenting. Not parallel parenting, not separate-but-equal parenting, not independent parenting. We do things together. We both attend school functions and classroom parties and informational meetings. We’re both at swim meets and ball games and award ceremonies. The kids have one birthday party; we both attend and we share the cost. The kids have one Christmas morning celebration—and we’re both present (and sometimes give joint gifts that the kids may take back and forth between our houses). When we’ve gone out to dinner to celebrate an accomplishment or good grades or the end of a school year, we’ve gone together. We’ve tried hard to make the kids feel like we are still a family unit even though we are divorced and live in separate houses. Some of that interaction (family dinners, celebratory outings) has lessened over time and the kids have adjusted to living in dual households and become more comfortable with “celebrating with Daddy” and then “celebrating with Mommy,” but the big milestones (birthdays and Christmases, in our world) have remained joint. I feel pretty strongly that celebrating these events together allow the kids to have a few rare times when all the most important pieces of their world come together. Our children have never expressed any fantasies or beliefs that their dad and I will reunite—it is extremely clear that what is done is done. But they are very happy and very much at peace when they are able to have us both by their sides during the big moments of their lives.

That “family” structure gets challenged when one person unilaterally decides to add a member. Despite the very passionate comments by folks insisting that anyone and everyone who volunteers to care about my children should get warmly invited to the party (so to speak), I still think it’s selfish and overreaching to expect that an ex-spouse and all the children should just grin and bear it when one of the grown-ups decides that because they want to add someone new to their idea of family, everyone else must just fall in line. Sometimes (particularly, I would think, after the passage of time has allowed a relationship to grow between the child and the significant other) the child may want the “family” stretched to include a new person; sometimes. In that case, I think the significant other should be included (and yes, it chokes me a bit to say it). This isn’t a situation, like an emergency decision or a parent-teacher conference, when decisions are being made by the adults about the child’s health and well-being and welfare … decisions I believe remain within the purview of the biological parents. This is a situation about the child’s happiness. Birthdays and holidays should be about the kids—more than anything else, they are the kids’ celebrations and it is the kids’ lifelong memories that are being made. If the child wants the significant other at the birthday party, the invitation should be extended. If the child wants all the grown-ups in his or her life present at a particular rite of passage, the adults’ personal feelings should be set aside and everyone should be included.

However, in a perfect world, in order to minimize conflict, there should be frank discussions with the kids about their desires. The children should be encouraged to be truthful about what (and whom) they want present for their celebrations. If they want the SO to attend, he/she should be invited. If they don’t want the SO to attend, then mom or dad needs to leave the boyfriend or girlfriend at home. But for goodness’ sake, if the SO will attend, PLEASE give the ex-spouse a bit of a heads up. A great amount of conflict can be minimized by preparing everyone involved and by providing ample time ahead of time to prepare for the interaction. And remember that there’s no fire: there’s a lot that can be said for slowly integrating a new person into a family unit and for doing it with respect and understanding.

Reflection: She Said/She Said, Part 1

So far, I’m really enjoying my project with Meredith.  Our initial posts have generated some valuable conversation and highlighted many perspectives on the issue.

I should tell you that when I wrote my reaction, I was unaware of Meredith’s exact experience.  I only knew that her ex neglected to provide his babysitter with her contact information.  I should also note that she and I did not share our thoughts prior to constructing our posts- we simply wrote what we felt.  I think it worked out well.

I wasn’t surprised by what Meredith had to say.  I’ve been in my own situation long enough to recognize the sense of priority that mothers feel in matters pertaining to their children.  Given her reaction, I still don’t think I’d change much about my own- except to remove my comment about the couch, which was poorly executed due to my own unstated expectations regarding the matter. I continue to believe that Dad’s partner should be granted some level of authority/responsibility, but Mom should always be notified in the case of extreme emergencies.  The one thing that became crystal clear is that Mom and Dad should talk about these things- preferably before an incident occurs.  Surprises such as this aren’t fun.  And terms like “emergency” need to be clearly defined.

I’m grateful for all the comments we received as they helped me to realize the multitude of attitudes beyond my own scope.  I learned that every situation is different, every person has his/her own expectations and there are no easy solutions… even when the situation appears to be a simple one.  Furthermore, there’s a definite difference between The Problem and one’s emotional reaction to The Problem- and a varying approach is necessary to deal with each.

Thank you to everyone who participated and/or followed along!  She Said/She Said, Part 2 is scheduled to take place next Tuesday.

She Said/She Said, Part 1

Last week I wrote about the importance of empathy and compassion during a divorce.  As families evolve, it’s important to extend that empathy, compassion and communication across new channels to different people… like your ex’s new partner.

When quality communication isn’t freely flowing, it’s harder to reach an understanding and maintain a sense of inner peace.  In many cases, this results in heated emotions: anger, hurt, frustration… and a tendency to dig in one’s heels.

In an effort to gain perspective from The Other Side, I’ve teamed up with Meredith from Now Is Good.  Throughout the month of February, we’ll be cross-posting our own feelings and reactions to common issues which arise in many of today’s modern families.  Meredith is a divorced mother of 3 and her ex is now integrating his girlfriend into the lives of their children.  I’m the integrated girlfriend of a divorced dad.  Together, we can learn from each other and hopefully these lessons will help us (and you) in our personal journeys.

Our first topic of discussion involves the emergency contact info that one parent leaves for a caregiver of the children.  I’ll let Meredith tell her story here and you can read my perspective on her blog.  We welcome your comments on either page…

Second-in-Command

My ex husband and I share custody of our three young children.  I have greater possession of them time-wise, but we share decision-making and responsibility pretty equally—both legally and in practice.  We also share babysitters; depending on where the kids are at any given time, the same caregivers simply keep them at my house or at the ex’s.  Recently, right before she walked out of the door, one of our regular sitters pulled me aside and asked to speak with me.  She had been babysitting our youngest at my ex’s house and when he left for work he handed her a piece of paper with a phone number on it … his girlfriend’s phone number.  And he told our sitter to call his girlfriend in case of any emergency.

I, like our babysitter, was bothered by that.  I’m of the opinion that if there’s an emergency, you call the parent.  Always.  If something happens to my kids while they were in my ex’s custody and my ex isn’t available, then I should be the next phone call.  Always.  Particularly when this sitter knows me, sees me regularly, already has all of my contact information.  You know why?  Because I am the parent.  In the 18 months since our divorce, I have never put down anyone other than my ex as first emergency contact—on school forms, doctor forms, babysitter notes.  Not because I have any desire to have him receive a phone call about a problem and know that I was unavailable to handle it (because really—in a post-divorce relationship that is already rife with mistrust and accusations and fear of getting one-upped somehow in the parenting arena, that is a situation I would dearly love to avoid), but because he is their father.  And if something qualifies as an “emergency,” he has the right to know about it.  Immediately.  Before anyone else.

I told our sitter that when she kept the kids at the ex’s house, she needed to follow his rules.  If he wants her to call the girlfriend, then I guess call the girlfriend.  But please, call me also.  I haven’t mentioned any of this to my ex yet: first, because I’m not really looking for a fight; and second, because I’m trying to assess the situation objectively and determine if there is any rational reason for his actions before I go all Harpy Ex Wife on him.  My hope is that he wants to appear capable of complete parenting when the children are in his possession.  He doesn’t want a babysitter calling me to say, “we’re out of milk” or “where are the diapers”—and quite honestly, I don’t want that, either.  My hope is that he wants to show he has a Plan B … that he has back-up (because it really *does* take a village, and my ex doesn’t have any extended family or friends living nearby).  If that’s the case, then I can cut him some slack.

BUT.  For me it boils down to this: I am the parent.  I have the right to know about and decide how to handle any emergency involving my child … certainly a superior right to that of my ex’s girlfriend.  If my child spikes a fever or has an accident and my ex isn’t reachable by phone, I need to be the one to decide whether that fever requires a trip to the ER.  My ex’s girlfriend isn’t a mom, and even if she were, she isn’t my kids’ mom.  Putting anyone’s name down but mine in that first spot on the “In Case of Emergency” list seems like a failure of co-parenting.