Category Archives: parental alienation

Alienation: It’s Not Always What You Think

The following video was linked in a comment on a previous post about Parental Alienation Syndrome.  I found it so moving that I was inspired to feature it in a new post.

When people think of parental alienation, the image that comes to mind is one of Mom or Dad constantly trash-talking the absent parent in front of his/her offspring.  But that’s not always how it happens.

As you see in the video, the process of alienation can begin before a couple separates.  This is one of the reasons I feel so strongly that divorce can be a positive change for a family- that is, as long as Mom and Dad are able to handle their separation in a responsible manner.

Another way that kids are taught to believe one parent is “bad” is through non-verbal signals.  Alienators can send a loud and clear message simply by making a face or turning away in a dismissive manner when a child mentions the other parent.

Transition times present another opportunity for alienators to communicate their feelings.  Imagine Mom acting extremely sad or panicked when Dad picks up the kids for the weekend.  Imagine Dad telling his children that he’s “relieved” they made it home from their mother’s house.  Given such a sendoff or homecoming, how is a child supposed to feel confident loving and visiting both parents?

It’s important to remember that children are extremely sensitive and perceptive.  And although alienation may not always be intentional, it is always painful.  Please don’t forget the lasting impact of the little things, and share this message to raise awareness in others.

Book: A Family’s Heartbreak

“August 5:  I passed Adam in the hall on my way to bed.  “Good night Adam, I love you,” the father said.  “Fuck you,” the son responded.” -Michael Jeffries, A Family’s Heartbreak

I recently finished reading A Family’s Heartbreak:  A Parent’s Introduction to Parental Alienation by Michael Jeffries and Dr. Joel Davies.  To date, I think this is my favorite book about this very important topic.  (do I say that about every book I read on this topic?)

The book tells the story of Mr. Jeffries’ journey in becoming severely alienated from his youngest son.  Much of the book tells the story through journal entries made during the divorce process.  This allows the reader to step into Dad’s shoes and experience the unfolding of events through his eyes.  It is truly a heart-wrenching experience.  My favorite thing about the book is that, at the end of each chapter, the contents of that chapter are decoded through a conversation with a professional- mostly Dr. Davies.  Through this dialogue, the reader gains understanding about the psychology behind the actions of the alienator and the child.  Dr. Davies describes the often-missed red flags that could indicate a parental tendency to alienate.  He also explains how alienated children are able to say what they say and do what they do.  For a targeted parent, this knowledge can aid in dealing with his/her individual situation.

Coincidentally, Michael Jeffries was a guest on the Co-Parenting Matters BlogTalkRadio Show last night.  Due to a combination of football games and the “empty” status of my kitchen cabinets, I missed the show and I’m catching up with the podcast as I type.  If you too missed the show, you can listen here.