Category Archives: children of divorce

What *Is* A “Broken Home”?

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about the various ways parental alienation can take place.  In that post, I linked to a rather disturbing audio track which displayed how alienation can be initiated while a marriage is still “intact”.  The video has since been revised and you can see the newest version here:

In the comment thread of the original post, the creator of the video made a statement which was quite profound.  I considered his content from a new perspective when he said,

…why didn’t I walk away earlier from somebody so obviously abusive? The answer in part is my religious background, where divorce is heavily frowned upon, and in part my desire not to have my kids grow up in a “broken home.” What I now realize in retrospect is that my home was already broken.

His home was already broken.  How many couples endure abuse, depression and isolation because they want to spare their children the trauma of a “broken home”?  In the past, I’ve written to say that I don’t believe in “broken homes” as they relate to divorce.  But I hadn’t thought of the phrase in relation to marriage.

I think I was wrong.  We shouldn’t discard the terminology but rather rethink the meaning and give it a new application.  ”Broken” typically means that something needs to be fixed.  I think that definition can easily apply to any household, regardless of marital status.

I realize I’m making a scary proposition.  Who among the proud married folk wants to look within and see that something is wrong?  It’s much easier to point outward and say “Divorce is wrong!”  I understand.  I spent some time in that mindset, albeit briefly.  Unfortunately, if one can’t see what’s truly broken,  it’s kinda hard to fix it.

Bottom line:  if kids are hearing Mom and Dad say things like, “you’re worse than Satan”, it’s a bad situation.

Parental Conflict: Recipe and Resolution

Last week, I wrote about the lies kids tell, and why they tell them.  For personal reasons, the topic is still on my mind (or, on my mind again) this week.  I’ll spare everyone the rabid details of my family drama, but I do want to address some of the issues at play… 

Control:  Many divorced parents put their children in control (although they probably don’t think of it that way) because they don’t want to deal with each other:

  • “tell your dad to bring you home early”
  • “tell your mom you have a violin lesson tomorrow at 2pm”
  • “make sure you do X, Y and Z this weekend”

Such actions effectively hand over all power to the children and they are free to manipulate the situation toward any number of outcomes, voluntarily or otherwise: 

  • Jenny conveniently “forgets” to tell Daddy that she needs to be home earlier than usual
  • Ethan tells Mommy about his violin lesson at 2:15pm while they’re visiting Grandma in another town
  • Emily does X and Y but not Z.  When Mom questions her actions, Emily lies and says, “Daddy wouldn’t let me” 

In any case, Mom and Dad end up mad at each other and their kids are stuck in the middle (or forgotten and off to the side). Some children will continuously capitalize on such opportunities (to get what they want, avoid punishment, reunite their parents, etc) while others feel powerless and live in fear of messing up and creating chaos.  Wouldn’t it be easier if Mom and Dad were in control?

Co-Parent Team: It’s imperative to present a united front to the kids so they know they cannot manipulate either to turn on the other.  As far as the kids should know, Mom and Dad are on the same team: 

  • Mom and Dad both love their children (this is an important one!)
  • Mom and Dad both want the homework to be done.
  • Mom and Dad are both interested in the kids’ activities
  • Mom and Dad are both concerned about safety
  • Mom and Dad both want the kids to have fun
  • Mom and Dad might have different rules in their houses, but each supports the other while the kids are in that home

Controlling Emotions:  SCREAMING REAL LOUD does not mean a person is “superior”.  It doesn’t mean that party is “winning”.  It is indicative of a loss of self-control and there’s nothing admirable about that.

Respect:  Shouting, name-calling, put-downs, etc are all popular tactics when it comes to conflict.  Unfortunately, these weapons serve little purpose beyond stroking the ego of the person on the offense.  True communication cannot take place without a consistent flow of respect between the stakeholders.  If Mom and Dad don’t model respect for their children, what will their children learn about respect?  What will the children learn about resolving conflict?

…I’ve been told there’s a lot that I don’t understand because I haven’t given birth.  But in this case, I think my lack of Parental Filter allows me to see things a little more clearly.  In general, am I wrong about any of this?

Lies Kids Tell

Several months ago, Boyfriend and I dropped the kids off with their mother on a typical Sunday night and went about our business of running errands.  While we were in the local home improvement store, his phone rang.  It was his ex.  She was furious because Drake told her that we left him alone at the ski resort we’d been to and he was assaulted by a gang of teenagers.  She wanted to know why we would abandon the children in such a large place and why he didn’t tell her about the horrendous incident.

Boyfriend was flabbergasted.  We hadn’t left the kids alone.  They were never out of our sight for more than a few seconds.  As he explained to her, we start together and we end together.  Every slope, every time.

She persisted.  But he insisted:  Drake was lying.

Instead of volleying the accusations, Boyfriend switched gears and asked her a question:  ”What happened before he told you this story?”

His ex explained that the boys bounded into the house like animals.  They were loud and proud and wanted to brag about their increased snowboarding skills.  When she told them they needed to calm down, the tears started started flowing and the story spewed forth.

This was an easy one for me to decode because I remembered the game from my own childhood.  I vividly recall feigning injury to avoid punishment.  What mother can resist the tears of her child?

For Drake, his story came with a bonus.  He was able to deflect Mom’s disappointment away from himself while presenting her with a new target for her irritation: a villain she loved to hate.  Drake was no longer causing a disruption in the house.  Instead, he was the innocent victim of poor parenting.  Drake is a smart kid.  He’s successfully used this tactic several times.

Kids with divorced parents have also been known to say things simply to boost a parent’s ego.  Little lies such as “I don’t like him/her” or “I don’t like it there” can accomplish that pretty easily.  Divorced parents take great pride in being better and preferred, and their kids know it.

Yet another motive (and you might disagree) is to arouse conflict between Mom and Dad.  As backwards as it sounds, parental conflict can be a comfort to children.  For one thing, it means that Mom and Dad are passionately engaged.  And for kids who long for their parents to be “together”, arguments might be preferable to cold distance (if you care enough to fight about it, it means you care, period.).  Fighting can also be reminiscent of the marriage and therefore it’s familiar and somewhat soothing.

The psychology behind this stuff is rather fascinating.  Parents and stepparents, realize this can be a natural part of the process for kids.  Recognize the internals struggles that drive their deceit.  Help to guide them and calm their anxieties.  Communicate love and acceptance even when you’re angry…

…and don’t be so quick to fall for all that BS ;)

Movie: Mrs. Doubtfire

I saw Mrs. Doubtfire in the theater when it was released in 1993.  At that time, I watched the story through the eyes of a child with divorced parents.  I thought it was a nice story, and a funny one.  But there was a lot that I didn’t understand.  Yet.

For those who don’t know, Mrs. Doubtfire is a movie featuring Robin Williams as a divorced dad who is unhappy with his custody situation.  In a desperate attempt to spend more time with his children, he dresses as a woman and lands a job as his ex wife’s housekeeper. During this time, he also has a front-row seat to watch the new Stepdad Figure move in to fill his shoes.

I watched the movie again over the weekend with Boyfriend and the kids.  And this time, I saw it from a different perspective.

This time, I was crushed when the family court denied custody to Daniel Hillard because he didn’t have a job or an apartment.  The apartment aside, I’ve heard of many women being awarded custody on the basis that they do not have a job and therefore will be more present to care for the children.

This time, I was enraged when Miranda Hillard arrived an hour early to pick up the kids from their once-a-week visit with their father.  As the three children stood up from the dinner table to rush out and meet their mother, I heard the pain in Mr. Hillard’s voice when he instructed them to sit down and shouted “you’re my goddamn kids too!”  …And then I noticed Mrs. Hillard’s sense of entitlement and superiority when she burst into the apartment without knocking and demanded that “her” children leave with her immediately.

This time, I recognized the rejection felt by the man disguised as Mrs. Doubtfire as he sat at a bar and pounded beers while watching his family frolic at a country club pool with his ex’s new suitor.

In seeing the movie again, I was able to understand and sympathize with both parents in addition to the kids.  I identified multiple facets of the divorce process which I was too ignorant to observe nearly twenty years ago.  And I was able to make note of the messages sent through the screen:

  • “Different” does not equal “unfit”
  • “Desperate times call for desperate measures”
  • It not appropriate to disparage another parent in front of the kids.  And it’s not a laughing matter.
  • Respectful interaction between parents makes things easier for everyone.
  • Life goes on.
The next time you’re searching for an appropriate Family Movie Night Flick, might I suggest Mrs. Doubtfire?

Alienation: It’s Not Always What You Think

The following video was linked in a comment on a previous post about Parental Alienation Syndrome.  I found it so moving that I was inspired to feature it in a new post.

When people think of parental alienation, the image that comes to mind is one of Mom or Dad constantly trash-talking the absent parent in front of his/her offspring.  But that’s not always how it happens.

As you see in the video, the process of alienation can begin before a couple separates.  This is one of the reasons I feel so strongly that divorce can be a positive change for a family- that is, as long as Mom and Dad are able to handle their separation in a responsible manner.

Another way that kids are taught to believe one parent is “bad” is through non-verbal signals.  Alienators can send a loud and clear message simply by making a face or turning away in a dismissive manner when a child mentions the other parent.

Transition times present another opportunity for alienators to communicate their feelings.  Imagine Mom acting extremely sad or panicked when Dad picks up the kids for the weekend.  Imagine Dad telling his children that he’s “relieved” they made it home from their mother’s house.  Given such a sendoff or homecoming, how is a child supposed to feel confident loving and visiting both parents?

It’s important to remember that children are extremely sensitive and perceptive.  And although alienation may not always be intentional, it is always painful.  Please don’t forget the lasting impact of the little things, and share this message to raise awareness in others.

Secret Gifts and Unspoken Feelings

Drake and Josh have been part of my life for more than four and half years.  During that time, we’ve built manageable relationships between us.  I try to walk a fine line between being an individual and playing my part in my partnership with their father.  I don’t want them to see me only as “Dad’s Chick”.  I also don’t want them to think of me as an insignificant outlier in our family.  It’s an exhausting dance.

Over the years, I’ve witnessed enough to know that the boys struggle in their relationships with me as well.  For that reason, I tend to withdraw and give them additional space.  I don’t sit in the front row at their events.  And I don’t hug them or tell them that I love them.  I don’t want to further ignite any of their internal conflicts about me (which have less to do with me and more to do with their mother).  Some mommies might describe this as “knowing my place”, but I disagree.  For me, it’s really about being sensitive to the boys’ situation.

All of that being said, I do love them.  I feel fortunate to have them in my life and I enjoy seeing them grow and change.  And I wanted to tell them all of this without having to endure some kind of uncomfortable mushy moments that might cause them to withdraw from me.

One day I was card shopping and I found the perfect cards for them.  Each was blank inside with a different motivational quote on the front.  I bought them.  And for a month they sat on a shelf while I thought about what to write in them.  In the meantime, I searched for gifts to accompany the verbiage.

I finally decided to buy each of them a journal for kids.  Inside the cards, I wrote about how lucky I feel to be watching them grow up.  I expressed my appreciation for Drake’s athleticism and Josh’s sensitivity.    I acknowledged some of our struggles and explained my feelings.  And I encouraged them to use the journals as a way to get to know and celebrate themselves.  I enclosed new pencils, wrapped the journals, sealed the cards and left the packages on each boy’s bed.

I said nothing of this to the kids and last Friday evening, Josh was first to find his.  I heard the paper rustling in his room and I stayed away.  A few minutes later, he emerged and stood in the hallway- bent over with his hands on his knees.  He looked stressed.  I asked if he was OK and he said he was… then he disappeared down the stairs.

From where I was, I heard Drake ask what was wrong.  Josh’s reply was, “Tara left a note in my room.”

Drake’s natural response was, “What did it say?”

Josh told him, “You might have one too.  You should go check.”

With that, Drake jogged up the stairs and disappeared into his bedroom.  A few minutes later it was time for us to take a trip to the supermarket.  Drake came out of his bedroom and didn’t say a word.  Neither of them said anything, so I didn’t either.

On Saturday night, Boyfriend had to run an errand after dinner and the boys and I didn’t want to tag along.  Drake suggested we do science experiments with food and I agreed that sounded like a fun idea.  After trying several experiments, we made chocolate chip cookies.  We had a good time.  Just the three of us.  And still, nobody spoke of the cards and journals.

Saturday night, I read a bedtime story to Josh.  When the tale was over, I closed the book, stood up and said goodnight.

“Wait,” he pleaded.  “Can you stay and talk to me for a little?”

“Sure,” I told him, thinking he was going to say something about his present.  But I was wrong.  Josh was still upset about a prank that Drake had played on him earlier in the evening.  He didn’t think he’d be able to sleep.  I sat and talked to him for a little while and then went to bed.

Sunday came and in the evening we took the kids back to their mother’s house.  As always, they hopped out of the car with a few quick good-byes and then they were gone.

“They never mentioned the journals,” I told Boyfriend.

Both Drake and Josh left the journals and the cards in plain sight in their bedrooms.  They weren’t hidden and they weren’t trashed… they were simply set aside.  Kinda like what I do with the mail when I think, I’ll spend more time with this later.  At first I was a little hurt that they didn’t acknowledge the gifts.  Boyfriend has suggested I talk to them about it… but I think I’ll keep quiet.  I know they got the message and there was no negative backlash.  We had a good weekend and we had fun together.  That’s good enough for me.  Perhaps the topic will come up in the future…even if it doesn’t, they know how I feel.  And there was no awkwardness in the communication.

The Anger Jar

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the destructive force of anger.  I find anger to be a rather fascinating emotion to study, yet a damaging one to employ.  Although it can bond people together and provide temporary empowerment, I still believe that “anger is one letter short of danger”.

This is something that Boyfriend and I want to impress upon Drake and Josh.  Our family rules revolve around respectful conduct and anger can often get in the way of that. To help communicate our values, we developed “The Anger Jar”.  The jar holds many small strips of paper, each containing a quote about anger.  Among them:

Sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.  ~Author Unknown 

He who angers you conquers you.  ~Elizabeth Kenny

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame. ~Benjamin Franklin

 Normally the jar lives in a cupboard in the kitchen.  Typically, we retrieve it when there’s been a violation of one of our rules and “I was angry” is the cited defense (it’s a pretty common excuse).  The boy who broke the rule will pull a quote from the jar, read it aloud and discuss what the quote means as well as how it relates to the situation at hand.  The practice forces reflection on the incident in the light of wisdom from some of history’s wisest characters.

After the jar is out, we leave it in plain sight.  Sometimes we’ll sit around the jar together while the boys pull quotes and read them for fun.  Other times, any one of us might reach for the jar when we feel frustration rising.  The peace and perspective within can prevent an outburst.

Our family situation isn’t always easy.  We endure lot of transitional stress, mixed messages and fuzzy boundaries.  Sometimes we annoy each other.  Sometimes our buttons get pushed. And sometimes we lose our cool.  In the wake of divorce there are many opportunities to indulge our uglier emotions, but in doing so we only hurt ourselves and each other.  I’m glad we have The Anger Jar to remind us that there’s a higher road.

Anger Jar

Come to think of it, perhaps The Anger Jar should have a different name.  After all, it doesn’t cause anger… it communicates wisdom, initiates communication and catalyzes positive change.  Hmmm…. Any ideas for what else I could call it?

Game Review: Do Tell

I heard about the game Do Tell (The Family Version) on an episode of The Stepmom Connection.  After Heather’s testimony about how the game helped her gain insight into her stepchildren’s minds, I decided to buy it.  So far, I’m glad I did.

Boyfriend and I took last week off and spent it with the boys.  For the first half of the week, we stayed at the beach and the last few days were spent at home doing the daytrip/staycation thing.  During our time together, we played Do Tell twice.

Playing the game is simple: you roll a die, move your piece and play a car associated with the space you land on.  Sometimes you have to “do” something, such as hop like a kangaroo or imitate a family member.  Sometimes you have to “tell” something, like what makes you anxious or which family rule you’d like to change.

While I hoped the game would be fun for the boys, I didn’t have any expectations about how much I might enjoy it.  Lucky for me, all of us laughed a lot.  I thoroughly enjoyed Drake’s impersonation of his father first thing in the morning (stumble to the kitchen for coffee, then turn on music).  And it was hugely therapeutic for me to imitate Josh’s impatience during the game (he was driving me crazy until it became something we could laugh about). 

 Amidst all the laughter, there’s also an opportunity for meaningful conversation.  The first time around the board, we played to finish and didn’t veer off course… but the second time we made a rule that it was OK to ask questions about the things other people said. Through such discussion, we dug a little deeper, forged a better understanding and (hopefully) some stronger bonds.  We touched on a few difficult topics (respect, fear, anger, conflict), but each of us moved his/her piece to the “finish” spot with a smile.

Overall, I’m impressed with the way this game is able to balance the funny with the fretful.  It’s a difficult dance to perfect, especially in a blended tribe.  I’d recommend this to any family who wants to share some laughs and get a little closer in the process.

Relationship Reflections: The Crystal Ball Theory

For the first few months that Boyfriend and I dated, everything was perfect. (Well, everything between us, anyway)  I thought of our relationship like a glorious crystal ball in which we could see not only our past and our future  (one can never glimpse the present, it is a fleeting moment), but also ourselves.  I loved the fact that I could recognize the me within the us.  I loved the fact that everything was so clear and so simple.

And then came our first fight.  Despite our best efforts to keep things under control, tempers flared and emotions ran high.  I remember crying in his apartment as the dust settled, thinking that we’d just marred our crystal ball.  Never again would we be so perfect.  Never again would we be able to look at our relationship and see ourselves so clearly. 

Before Boyfriend, I hadn’t considered the Crystal Ball Theory.  Now as I think back to my marriage, I can apply it and see that the “crystal ball” that was mine and my husband’s relationship might as well have been one of those extra bowling balls at a bowling alley.  It was full of holes and scars and gouges that made one question whether it qualified as a “ball” in the first place.  It was heavy and rather embarrassing to carry around.  There was no clarity- the past was a miserable abyss, I could see no future nor could I recognize myself.  Like a used bowling ball, it served as a constant reminder that better options were available if only I’d make the investment.

Since the divorce, the ball has changed.  It’s much smaller now, as it carries less significance in my life.  But it’s also been polished up a bit.  The civility of our separation and the years we’ve spent apart have allowed for some fresh perspective.  Presently I see reflections of the past- the good as well as the bad.  And I can more clearly see and define who I was as well as who I’ve become as a result of our union and parting.  I sense a future as well… a future of friendly yet far-between chitchat, void of any atrocities which were present in our marriage.

I think I’m on to something with this Crystal Ball Theory.  For as long as we maintain any sort of relationship with another person, the ball will mirror the effects of the experience we subject it to.  Relationships fraught with disaster, disorder and neglect will produce the bowling ball effect.  Yet, when people regard each other with respect, care and compassion, the orb retains its shine and clarity.  Healthy relationships are those which comfortably reflect our past, our future and (most importantly?) our true selves.

Now, before someone reminds me that there is no way to predict the future… I know that.  Unfortunately, no relationship is flawless and therefore no sphere is spotless.  No matter how much we prime and polish and apologize, the ball will remain marked.  Those imperfections can have varying effects on an individual- from doubt to determination.  But always, the spots on the globe will leave the future reflections somewhat incomplete.  As always, the best we can do is respect each other and hope for the best.

(Now that I’ve written this, I feel like designing a workbook for myself:  something to keep track of the major crystal balls in my life: the one between myself and Boyfriend… between me and each of the boys… me and my dad… my boss….  Perhaps I should draw the circles or rate them on a regular basis, I should ask “Who am I?” and consider ways to diminish the effects of past conflicts…    …Or maybe I’ll just think about all of that while I make chocolate chip cookies…I was never all that great at art anyway…)

The Boys Used The F-Word

They’ve both done it.  They each said it.  They used the F-Word.  And I’m elated.  It’s not so much that they used the word itself, that’s not a big deal.  I’m elated because they used it in a context to include me.

To my surprise, it was Drake who said it first.  After moving to the new house, we re-visited our Tribe Rules* which were written more than three years ago (and that’s about 30% of the boys’ lives!).  It was time to look them over and update some of the lingo.  Following a group discussion about how we could update/improve our code of conduct, Drake made a suggestion.

“We should have a Family Night,” he said.

My ears perked up when I heard the F-Word.  ”What do you mean?” I asked him.

“Well,” he began.  ”We should take turns picking an activity for Family Night… and everyone has to do the activity or else they have to go to bed early.  Like, we could have a charades night or a Monopoly night or something.”

I thought that was a terrific idea.  We’re still trying to formalize a Family Night schedule.

…Fast forward to last weekend.  We went shopping on Friday evening to pick up some gear for the kayaking/canoe trip we’d planned for Saturday.  While we were in the store, Josh became upset with his brother and, in a fit of rage, declared “I don’t want to be part of this family!”

I’m not sure what kind of response he was expecting to get from the rest of us.  Boyfriend calmly asked him, “Why?”

“Because I don’t want to follow the rules,” he told us.  ”I want to be violent and hit [Drake]!”

At that point, the four of us sat on the floor in front of a display of life preservers.  We reminded Josh that he’d agreed to our rules regarding respect and violence.  We tried to talk about what was bothering him.  Unfortunately there were no easy answers.  We concluded our meeting, finalized our purchases and headed for the car.  It was a bit of a miserable spot in the weekend.

…And yet, I have reason to smile.  Both Drake and Josh have indicated that they view us as a family unit.  Drake wants us to share more activities together.  And Josh, begrudgingly at times, accepts our family rules as the values we all abide by.  After many years of refraining from stating my feelings (so as not to make the boys uncomfortable), they have reached the same conclusion.  For better or for worse, for now anyway, we are a “family”.

*For the complete story behind our Tribe Rules, check out my article in the March 2011 issue of StepMom Magazine