“Accept responsibility, and power will be given to you. Taller trees grow from lower ground” – Tao Te Ching
A few days ago, a friend and I got into a discussion about divorce and blame. We discussed the common tactic of assigning fault to explain a divorce: “she was a bitch” and “he was an asshole”. That makes it so easy, doesn’t it? And in the complicated world of divorce, we relish the easy explanation- especially if it absolves us of guilt.
It was Gandhi who suggested “you must be the change you wish to see in the world”, and I believe that’s true. In an effort to “be the change”, I’ve decided to publicly take responsibility for my role in the meltdown of my marriage. For those of you who are new to this site, it was my ex-husband who initially suggested that we separate. I later found out that he’d been seeing someone else. I could easily pin the whole thing on him, but it wasn’t all his fault. Here are some of my contributions:
- I got married when I knew I shouldn’t have.
- I (knowingly) didn’t fulfill my husband’s domestic, emotional or sexual needs.
- I participated in horrible fights which marred the respect we had for each other.
- When possible, I avoided him instead of embracing him.
- I was neither appreciative nor accepting of his affection.
- When he told me he wanted to work it out, I told him I didn’t.
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” That being said (originally by Shakespeare), the above list is not a regretful one. It is plainly stated facts… facts which can (and will, I’m sure) be judged based on the emotional filters of whoever reads this post. Of course I had reasons for making the choices I did. And of course, I regret the emotional turmoil endured by everyone involved. Yet, it is what it is and none of it can be altered now.
I claim to be neither a hero, a victim nor a villain. I’m just claiming ownership of what is mine.