The D-Spot Teleclass

On March 23, Meredith and I participated in a teleclass with Laura Campbell, founder of the D-Spot community for divorced/divorcing women.  If you didn’t get a chance to join us live, you can listen here.  The recording is just under an hour long.

I thought our conversation went extremely well.  Meredith and I discussed The She Said/She Said Project in addition to the personal struggles and triumphs we’ve endured as our lives have evolved post-divorce.  We talked about our ideal visions, the obstacles we face, the effect of others and the importance of considering the unique circumstances surrounding each member of each family.  It was a nice talk.

One thing that stuck with me was the idea of the mom and stepmom figures talking to each other “as women”.  I think it’s important to make the distinction and realize that the person on the other side of “the man” is more than just his ex or his current partner- she’s her own person.  Yet, so often this is impossible because we interact with Her only through the context of Him.  We suggested the possibility of Mom and Dad’s Partner having a sit down chat without dad… and building a healthy respect for each other as a result.  Isn’t that a happy thought?  I imagine, by removing Dad from the equation, the women could more quickly find their common ground.  I’d like to think that we’re all inherently decent people… on some level.  The sooner we find that place, the better things will be for everyone.

I’m sure other tidbits from our conversation might spawn more posts in the future… like I said, it was a good discussion.  I was honored to be Laura’s guest.  She’s an inspiring leader for her community- don’t forget to check out The D-Spot 🙂

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  1. Sounds like a great idea. That’s a great observation about only seeing each other through the ex. I would imagine this would be much easier to do provided neither of you were a third-party involved in the divorce.

    • I think it would be easier if Dad’s Partner wasn’t present prior to the divorce. However, even if she was, I think such a meeting could prove to be an opportunity for both women to make their feelings known… resentment, anger, guilt, apologies or not- once each knows how the other feels, they can move forward in the appropriate manner.

      • I’ve never spoken to the gf who popped up immediately after my (then) estranged husband moved into his own place. I saw her in the passenger seat of his car soon afterward, when he came to pick up the kids, staring down at her seatbelt buckle with the top of her head almost pointing at the floor of the car. If I were her, I’d be ashamed to look up too!

        I still don’t know much about her except that she’s been married and divorced several times, has not worked in about 20 years and does not work now, and is childless. My youngest volunteered all of the above info in passing–I never ask about anything that goes on at her father’s place other than “did you have fun?” After about a year, my youngest volunteered that gf was “mean” and she really didn’t like being around her, which made me sad. I don’t like to think of my child being forced to spend time with an unrelated woman who she dislikes.

        So what would I ask if I ever met this gf? For starters:

        – Why would you sleep with a married man?

        – Why would you sleep with a married man in front of the children who just dumped their mother two weeks ago?

        – Why have you never let the traumatized children spend time with their father alone, ever, once he got around to asking the children over?

        – Are you going to marry the children’s father and disinherit them?

        – How dare you?

        …and so on. She could ask me anything she liked, and I would answer honestly. I have nothing to hide and I for one can hold my head up in front of people.

      • An apology would be nice. It would help, but probably not as much as I think it would. But yeah, some sort of acknowledgment of ‘this was a really lousy thing to do to ANYONE’.

      • I had many many questions for my then-husband on the day he informed me that he loved me, but was not “in love” with me, and so our marriage was over. Bam! Just like that, after more than 24 years together. He refused to answer any of my questions, and refused even to work with a mediator on our divorce. So by his choice we ended up in a “my lawyer will speak to your lawyer” situation. I and my ex are not on speaking terms to this day, over a year and a half later. We do parallel parenting, obviously. Not my choice, any of it!

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