Relative Evolutions

Book: Sarah, Plain and Tall

Tara (thedivorceencouragist) — Fri, 01 Jun 2012 01:34:47 +0000

Sarah, Plain and Tall was written by Patricia MacLachlan, published in 1985 and awarded the Newberry Medal. The thin paperback was part of my book collection for more than 25 years before I finally plucked it from the masses and started turning the pages last weekend. I suppose it was fate- I hadn’t read it until I could understand a different aspect of it. And now I can share it with you.

I wonder how many stepmothers have read this book. Of those, I wonder how many were shocked to find that they weren’t as well-received as Sarah, a mail-order bride from Maine who was eagerly welcomed by her new family in the midwest. I think that was what struck me the most: the children in the book had endured the death of their mother and they wanted a new one. They were passionately curious about Sarah and delighted when she decided to visit. Immediately, they loved her and wanted her to stay. In modern-day real life, it doesn’t happen that way for most stepmoms.

But I didn’t start writing so I could slam the book for being unrealistic… it is what it is, and that’s what it’s supposed to be. Furthermore, it’s based on a true story from the author’s family history. And that’s awesome. And Sarah is awesome…and I thought I’d point out why:

She didn’t assert herself as The Mother. Sarah indulged the kids’ curiosity about her and she responded with genuine interest in them. She didn’t push the relationships, she let them naturally unfold.

She had a cat. In general, Sarah loved animals. Animals build bridges between individuals who might otherwise have a hard time getting along. Their presence relieves stress as they give us a focal point away from our problems. They teach us how to love and they give us a commitment to share.

She stayed true to herself. Sarah didn’t stop being Sarah in order to be a midwestern wife and mother. She wore men’s overalls and helped repair the roof. She insisted that she be taught to drive the wagon so she could travel to town by herself. She didn’t kill the chickens that were given to her “for food”. She brought a little bit of New England to her new homestead and her family respected and appreciated her for it.

Of course, I’m oversimplifying… but it was a really short book and I’m not Wednesday Martin. The point is: Stepmoms, keep your heads up and keep rockin’ it, Sarah-style

Saturday’s Song: Already Gone

Tara (thedivorceencouragist) — Sat, 26 May 2012 17:29:34 +0000

(I know I posted this song once before, but I hope it’s been long enough that my devout followers don’t notice …or, at least, can forgive… the repetition)

May 24 was the anniversary of the night my husband said we should separate. Six years ago this weekend, I walked through a street fair with an old friend and told him, “I’m still sleeping and eating, so I know I’m ok.”

All of this reminds me of the song that was my personal anthem (well, one of them) during that period of my life and I thought it would be fitting to share it here today. I love this song because it represents the power that we have to take control of a situation instead of simply letting things happen to us. Today I’m going to take control of the weathering process and paint the trim on my shed doors

Have a happy and safe Holiday Weekend, everyone! Enjoy Already Gone, by The Eagles…

Video (live performance, 1974)

“Already Gone”
(written by Jack Tempchin and Robb Strandlund)

Well, I heard some people talkin’ just the other day
And they said you were gonna put me on a shelf
But let me tell you I got some news for you
And you’ll soon find out it’s true
And then you’ll have to eat your lunch all by yourself
‘Cause I’m already gone
And I’m feelin’ strong
I will sing this vict’ry song, woo, hoo,hoo,woo,hoo,hooThe letter that you wrote me made me stop and wonder why
But I guess you felt like you had to set things right
Just remember this, my girl, when you look up in the sky
You can see the stars and still not see the light (that’s right)And I’m already gone
And I’m feelin’ strong
I will sing this vict’ry song, woo, hoo,hoo,woo, hoo,hooWell I know it wasn’t you who held me down
Heaven knows it wasn’t you who set me free
So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key

But me, I’m already gone
And I’m feelin’ strong
I will sing this vict’ry song
‘Cause I’m already gone
Yes, I’m already gone
And I’m feelin’ strong
I will sing this vict’ry song
‘Cause I’m already gone
Yes, I’m already gone
Already gone
All right, nighty-night

If you have a request for Saturday’s Song… something that makes you feel good and gets you through the weekend, let me know: divorce.encouragist@gmail.com

Social Media Use… Moving Forward

Tara (thedivorceencouragist) — Tue, 22 May 2012 21:41:19 +0000

For my third post in the Social Media Series, I’m going to look toward the future use of these tools with regards to personal/family relationships. If you missed parts one and two (about the relationship and the separation), you can read them here and here.

So…the old relationship is over and the breakup madness has subsided. You’re ready to move on. Now what? If you’re still “friends” with your ex, do you want that person to know what you’re up to (ie: who you’re dating)? If you’re not “friends” with your ex, should you re-friend in the spirit of cooperative acquaintances? Should you and the ex tag each other in pictures of the kids? Should you share social “events” for the children? And how are you regarding your ex’s family and friends these days?

My recent breakup has caused me to think a whole lot about how I use my Facebook page. Shortly after everything fell apart I went into Silent Mode. I stopped posting updates and interacting with anyone in the public sphere. At this point, I’ve relaxed my standards slightly yet still keep my interaction regarding personal matters to a minimum. If I have something to say to a friend, I’ll do so offline, or at least off the wall. I’ve vowed not to disclose any dating/partnership info through that channel.

Personally, I think unfriending (and especially blocking) is unnecessary (like, overly dramatically statementally bitchy, unless there’s a restraining order). I maintain especially tight security settings for individuals who aren’t actually friends, and that’s enough for me. Recently, I unsubscribed from most of the individuals in my feed- my own drama (or lack thereof) is enough for me to deal with (or enjoy). My new newsfeed gives me a snapshot of updates from my real-life friends and the pages I most enjoy.

As for the blog… I think I said it once before: this space is different. Relative Evolutions isn’t about me, it’s about matters that are applicable to a community. In the interest of strengthening the community, illustrating relevant issues and supporting others who walk similar paths, I will continue to share personal stories here.

So… am I the only one who has taken a look in the social media mirror in the wake of a separation? What have you learned? What will you do differently? Are you and your ex playing nicely on social networks? Do the networks help/hurt your communication?

Saturday’s Song: Independent Women

Tara (thedivorceencouragist) — Sat, 19 May 2012 15:21:21 +0000

I was reminded of this song earlier in the week when reading an article from Time about how well Gotye’s Somebody The I Used To Know stacks up against other breakup songs. The article doesn’t mention this song in particular. Instead Beyonce’s Single Ladies is noted on the list of well-known breakup anthems. It was that song that reminded me of this one.

Perhaps at some point I’ll feature Single Ladies on here. At this point, though, my ability to support myself is more highly valued than a ring and/or another man (I can’t imagine feeling another way). My ex-husband likes to tease me about being independent… and that’s why he’s my ex. I think sometimes he forgets to thank me— my independent nature is the reason he’s never paid me a dime in support (despite all the contrary advice I received from well-meaning friends).

For those of you whose mantra is “I depend on me”, I give you Independent Women (Part 1) by Destiny’s Child. Happy Saturday, everyone!

Video:

Independent Women performed by Destiny’s Child, written by Beyonce Knowles, Sam Barnes, Jean-Claude Olivier and Cory Rooney

Lucy Liu… with my girl, Drew… Cameron D. and Destiny
Charlie’s Angels, Come on
Uh uh uh

Question: Tell me what you think about me
I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings
Only ring your cell-y when I’m feelin lonely
When it’s all over please get up and leave
Question: Tell me how you feel about this
Try to control me boy you get dismissed
Pay my own fun, oh and I pay my own bills
Always 50/50 in relationships

The shoes on my feet
I’ve bought it
The clothes I’m wearing
I’ve bought it
The rock I’m rockin’

I’ve bought it

‘Cause I depend on me

If I wanted the watch you’re wearin’
I’ll buy it
The house I live in
I’ve bought it
The car I’m driving
I’ve bought it
I depend on me
(I depend on me)

All the women who are independent
Throw your hands up at me
All the honeys who makin’ money
Throw your hands up at me
All the mommas who profit dollas
Throw your hands up at me
All the ladies who truly feel me
Throw your hands up at me

Girl I didn’t know you could get down like that
Charlie, how your Angels get down like that
Girl I didn’t know you could get down like that
Charlie, how your Angels get down like that

Tell me how you feel about this
Who would I want if I would wanna live
I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I get
Ladies, it ain’t easy bein’ independent
Question: How’d you like this knowledge that I brought
Braggin’ on that cash that he gave you is to front
If you’re gonna brag make sure it’s your money you flaunt
Depend on noone else to give you what you want

The shoes on my feet
I’ve bought it
The clothes I’m wearing
I’ve bought it
The rock I’m rockin’, I’ve bought it
‘Cause I depend on me
If I wanted the watch you’re wearin’
I’ll buy it
The house I live in
I’ve bought it
The car I’m driving
I’ve bought it
I depend on me
(I depend on me)

Girl I didn’t know you could get down like that
Charlie, how your Angels get down like that
Girl I didn’t know you could get down like that
Charlie, how your Angels get down like that

Destiny’s Child
Wassup?
You in the house?
Sure ’nuff
We’ll break these people off Angel style

Child of Destiny
Independent beauty
Noone else can scare me
Charlie’s Angels

Woah
All the women who are independent
Throw your hands up at me
All the honeys who makin’ money
Throw your hands up at me
All the mommas who profit dollas
Throw your hands up at me
All the ladies who truly feel me
Throw your hands up at me

Girl I didn’t know you could get down like that
Charlie, how your Angels get down like that
[repeat until fade]

Do People Change?

Tara (thedivorceencouragist) — Wed, 16 May 2012 22:19:50 +0000

Many years ago, I dated someone whom I’ll call “Don”. He drove a sporty coupe and worked at a grocery store. Back then, I wore short shorts and had a somewhat catty relationship with his ex-girlfriend. Don and I ate at cheap restaurants, spent many evenings at the movies and engaged in a lot of “experimental” activity. We were young and in love and… you get the idea.

Nowadays Don is married with a bunch of kids. He’s a medical professional and owns a vehicle with four doors. I’m sure it’s been a really long time since he vomited tequila and macaroni and cheese on someone’s bedroom floor. Blue eyes aside, he barely resembles the guy who affectionately referred to me as “Boo Boo”.

Did he change?

It would be so easy for me to say “yes”. I think most would agree, it’s often difficult to recognize our ex as the same person who was our partner. It’s easy to point to things s/he has or does and assert, “[My ex] didn’t do that/want that! This is a different person!”

And in some respects, that’s true. I used to be a lovesick teenager, and I’m not anymore. There was a time when I wanted to have children, and I don’t anymore. Once upon a time I uttered the vows of matrimony, and now I’m divorced. That’s a lot of flip-flopping— yet, I still feel like the same person. And I think my closest friends and family would agree: I’m still me.

There’s a difference between doing and being.

What we do changes quite a bit as we adjust to new hobbies and the different roles we play in life. The Student behaves much differently than The Parent. The Karate Expert dresses in contrast to The Rock Climber. Yet, the Student, Parent, Karate Expert and Rock Climber can all be the same person— even on the same day.

And that leads me to being. It’s easy enough to change what we do but it’s much more difficult to alter who we are. Thoughtful Introverts don’t suddenly morph into Impulsive Extroverts (at least, not on a permanent basis). Although they might be caring parents, Warriors don’t become Nurturers at heart. Such inherent qualities remain with us, regardless of the circumstances of our lives.

There’s also a difference between what we look at and what we see.

To further complicate matters, let’s not forget the filters that our circumstances provide. How is a warrior perceived by another warrior vs. a nurturer? Sensitive individuals might cling to brutal offensive tactics when they feel threatened. If she cheats with you, she’s a goddess… if she cheats on you, she’s a whore.

It’s kinda confusing… but at the same time, it’s not.

Present-Day-Don doesn’t act like the guy I used to frolic with on his college campus. However, under the surface, Don is still that humorous and highly intelligent individual who loved (loves?) Scattergories as much as I do.

All of this makes me think… it makes me think about the qualities (not the activities) that truly make humans compatible. It makes me think about the lenses through which we view our partners and our exes. It makes me wonder what it is we’re looking for when we’re disappointed by what we see in another.

Do you have any thoughts to share? Reflections on personal experience? Opinions about whether or not people change? Please, comment…

Guest Post: Being Blood-Related Doesn’t Preclude a Family Bond

Tara (thedivorceencouragist) — Wed, 16 May 2012 00:48:58 +0000

Today’s post is brought to you by Jenny Ellis, who contacted me a few weeks ago with a request to write something for Relative Evolutions. After some discussion regarding content, Jenny agreed to write a piece discussing the bonds that can exist between family members who aren’t related by blood. As Stepmother’s Day approaches, I thought the timing was perfect. Here’s Jenny…

They say that blood is thicker than water, indicating that blood relations trump any and all non-blood related relations. And it’s easy to see why a lot of people may think that, may even tout it as an unwavering fact. On the surface, being bound to one another by blood represents the deepest type of relationship you can have with someone. You share their DNA. However a blood bond isn’t always the have-all, end-all when it comes to relationships. In actuality it depends solely on the person.

Adopted children can be just as close to their parents

Just because someone is adopted doesn’t automatically make them less likely to be close to their adoptive parents as a natural-born sibling. Adopted children can form such a thick bond with their adoptive parents that it trumps a bond with their blood-related parents. For instance, I have a friend who was adopted by her step-father after he married her mother. Their marriage didn’t last, however the bond he formed with his adopted daughter did, and to this day she is still closer to him than she is to her birth mother. Blood doesn’t define everything.

Blood-related siblings can break off all ties

In the aforementioned marriage between my friend’s mother and step-father they also had a son together. That son is her step-father’s flesh and blood, and yet he has cut off all ties with his family. He doesn’t speak to dad, he rarely speaks to his mom, and he has no contact with my friend (his half-sister). While his half-sister chose a relationship with her adoptive father, he chose a relationship with no one, proving that a blood relationship doesn’t always mean an actual relationship.

Non-blood related siblings can be close

After her step-father remarried he had two kids with his new wife. They have zero blood relation to my friend, however all three of them are constantly in contact and have no trouble calling each other “brother” and “sister”. The lack of a blood relationship doesn’t impact their feelings toward one another as siblings at all. None of the siblings have any relationship with their aforementioned half-brother. Blood isn’t the only type of bond.

While blood may run thick with some families, it doesn’t run thick with all of them. You can have a close knit family with no blood relations at all, and those families can be closer than others that are untainted with divorce, adopted children, step-children or half-children. As colloquial of a phrase that “blood is thicker than water” is, it’s just that – a phrase. Blood doesn’t define everything.

Jenny Ellis is a freelance writer, and a regular contributor for aupair jobs. She welcomes your comments at: ellisjenny728@gmail.com.

Saturday’s Song: Speechless Summer

Tara (thedivorceencouragist) — Sat, 12 May 2012 15:01:58 +0000

Today’s song was submitted by one of my readers. Yay! And thank you

I never would have picked this song myself… partially because I’d never heard it and also because I prefer songs that are accompanied by words (I can’t “hear” the music the way musically-inclined people can). Due to the fact that we’re going lyric-less today, I give you a video only for Joe Satriani’s Summer Song. Outside my house the sky is blue and the air is warm. I suppose this is an appropriate feel-good song to listen to while I mow my grass…

If you have a request for Saturday’s Song… something that makes you feel good and gets you through the weekend, let me know: divorce.encouragist@gmail.com

Sunday Song: The Best Days…

Tara (thedivorceencouragist) — Sun, 06 May 2012 21:42:56 +0000

I know, I’m late with Saturday’s Song. I’m sorry. I was without internet access for most of the day yesterday. This is the first I’ve been able to sit down and put my laptop to work.

I have a list of songs prepared for this gig, but I’m not posting them in order. Each week I consider them and choose one that feels appropriate. Sometimes the one I pick isn’t even on my list. This week’s song was on the radio as I entered my house a few minutes ago- the timing was perfect. I’m sure many can relate to Kellie Pickler as she sings about The Best Days Of Your Life. I hadn’t seen the video until I looked it up to put it here. I’m not sure how I feel about what happens to the guy. What do you think?

The Best Days Of Your Life, written by Kellie Pickler and Taylor Swift

Cause I’ll be there
In the back of your mind
From the day we met
Til you were making me cry
And it’s just too bad
You’ve already had the best days
The best days of your life

Aint it a shame?
A shame that everytime you hear my name
Brought up in a casual conversation
You can’t think straight
And aint it sad?
You can’t forget about what we had
Take a look at her and do you like what you see?
Or do you wish it was me

I’ll be there
In the back of your mind
From the day we met
To the very last night
And it’s just too bad
You’ve already had the best days
The best days of you life

And does she know?
Know about the times you used to hold me
Wrapped me in your arms and how you told me
I’d be the only one
I heard about
Yeah, someone told me once
When you were out
She went a little crazy
Ran her mouth about me
Aint jealousy funny?

I’ll be there
In the back of your mind
From the day we met
To the very last night
And it’s just too bad
You’ve already had the best days
The best days of you life
With me was a fairytale love
I was head-over-heels til you threw away “us”
And it’s just too bad you’ve
Already had the best days
The best days of your life

I heard you’re gonna get married
Have a nice little family
Live out my dreams with someone new
But I’ve been told that a cheater
Is always a cheater
I’ve got my pride
And she’s got you

I’ll be there
In the back of your mind
From the day we met
To you making me cry
And it’s just too bad
You’ve already had the best days
The best days of you life

Of your life
Oh, oh, yeah
You’re gonna think of me
You’re gonna think of me in your life
Oh, oh, yeah
It’s a shame
It’s a shame
It’s a shame…

Social Media And The Separation

Tara (thedivorceencouragist) — Thu, 03 May 2012 02:20:02 +0000

The second part of my social media series has to do with the breakup process. What is the appropriate way to handle a divorce on the social scene?

I’ve seen countless status updates to say that individuals have gone from being some form of “coupled” to “single”. Sometimes those updates are accompanied by a personal note to offer more details about the situation or the feelings around the event. I suppose I understand the need for a public announcement. Sometimes it’s easier to say it once on Facebook than having to reiterate the same scenario countless times in person, on the phone or through individual emails.

What about the virtual connection to an ex? Should you unfriend? Unfollow? Unsubscribe? Block? Stalk? Keep an interactive public friendship? Or untag yourself in the photos? Do you need to alter your security settings?

Is it customary to divulge details via status updates? Several years ago, I saw a MySpace status that said “There’s no longer a controlling dickhead attached to my house!” That caused me to pause and think. Is that kind of update appropriate? Is it necessary to publicly degrade the ex in such a manner? Children were present on the author’s Friend List (including her own offspring). Was the remark meant to be seen by the ex? How did the author intend to portray herself by making such a comment? Did her readers view her as fearless and independent? Or petty and bitter?

Have you heard any of the stories about the role social media has played in the divorce process? By now we’ve probably all heard that Facebook is a cited cause of many divorces. But did you know about the blogging father who was ordered to take down his anonymous blog or risk losing custody of his children? Did you see the newscast about the man who was told to publicly apologize or face jail time for the FB comments he made about his ex? What do you think of that?

Personally, I don’t publish my relationship status on Facebook, so there was nothing for me update last November. Since my breakup with Ex-BF, I did unsubscribe from his profile updates (funny, I don’t mind having my ex-husband in my feed). I realize during this time period, it’s natural for me to be under scrutiny. Thus, I’ve gone largely silent on FB. I interact with my real friends in real life or through private messages (I’m sure my non-real friends haven’t noticed the lack of updates on my wall). At times, I’ve been extremely upset by things I’ve heard were said about me, either on the network or in person. The idea of formal punishment for such an offense is a nice fantasy. However, I think we all should have the right to speak our minds (but wouldn’t it be nice if everyone carried the same Standards Of Respectful Behavior?).

I realize I’ve published a considerable amount of information here on the blog. This forum feels quite different for me. For one thing, my personal situation is appropriate to share in this arena- my broken heart isn’t competing for Top News status against pictures of my “friends’” babies. For another, most people I know don’t come here to read what I’ve written. Nor do they subscribe. I started the blog because people I know were sick of hearing me talk about divorce. So I feel pretty safe here. And it’s not like I’m namecalling or sharing extreme details.

So… what do you think? How did/would/will you handle your separation on the social networks? How did your ex handle it? How did/do you feel about it? Any lessons you’ve learned? Any strategies to share? Am I asking too many questions?

Saturday’s Song… Westbound

Tara (thedivorceencouragist) — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 17:13:33 +0000

This week’s song is one that actually inspired me to get out of town. Well, I’m quite often inspired to get out of town (like, every day)… but this song actually propelled me westward. Before beginning the Saturday Song Project, I hadn’t thought much about it… I wasn’t even reminded of it last year when I visited San Francisco on business. Yet, when I considered a list of music-to-get-you-through-the-weekend, it was one of the first that came to mind.

Today’s Song is One Way Ticket by LeAnn Rimes. Check out the video and the lyrics below…

“One Way Ticket (Because I Can)”
(written by Keith Hinton and Judy Rodman)

Standing on the border
Looking out into the great unknown
I can feel my heart beating faster as I step out on my own
There’s a new horizon and the promise of favorable wind
I’m heading out tonight, traveling light
I’m gonna start all over againAnd buy a one-way ticket on a west bound train
See how far I can go
I’m gonna go out dancing in the pouring rain
And talk to someone I don’t know
I will face the world around me
Knowing that I’m strong enough to let you go
And I will fall in love again
Because I can

Gonna climb the mountain
And look the eagle in the eye
I won’t let fear clip my wings and tell me how high I can fly
How could I have ever believed
That love had to be so blind
When freedom was waiting, down at the station
All I had to do was make up my mind

And buy a one-way ticket on a west bound train
See how far I can go
I’m gonna go out dancing in the pouring rain
And talk to someone I don’t know
I will face the world around me
Knowing that I’m strong enough to let you go
And I will fall in love again
Because I can

Well, I have walked through the fire
And crawled on my knees through the valley of the shadow of doubt
Then the truth came shining like a light on me and now I can see my way out

I’m gonna buy a one-way ticket on a west bound train
See how far I can go
I’m gonna go out dancing in the pouring rain
And talk to someone I don’t know

I’m gonna buy a one-way ticket on a west bound train
Gonna have my breakfast with some pink champagne
I’m gonna sail the ocean, I’m gonna spread my wings
I’m gonna climb that mountain, gonna do everything.

Oh, and if there’s a song you’d like to see featured here, email me: divorce.encouragist@gmail.com feel free to submit a personal story to go along with it. I know we all have them