Monthly Archives: March 2011

The D-Spot Teleclass

On March 23, Meredith and I participated in a teleclass with Laura Campbell, founder of the D-Spot community for divorced/divorcing women.  If you didn’t get a chance to join us live, you can listen here.  The recording is just under an hour long.

I thought our conversation went extremely well.  Meredith and I discussed The She Said/She Said Project in addition to the personal struggles and triumphs we’ve endured as our lives have evolved post-divorce.  We talked about our ideal visions, the obstacles we face, the effect of others and the importance of considering the unique circumstances surrounding each member of each family.  It was a nice talk.

One thing that stuck with me was the idea of the mom and stepmom figures talking to each other “as women”.  I think it’s important to make the distinction and realize that the person on the other side of “the man” is more than just his ex or his current partner- she’s her own person.  Yet, so often this is impossible because we interact with Her only through the context of Him.  We suggested the possibility of Mom and Dad’s Partner having a sit down chat without dad… and building a healthy respect for each other as a result.  Isn’t that a happy thought?  I imagine, by removing Dad from the equation, the women could more quickly find their common ground.  I’d like to think that we’re all inherently decent people… on some level.  The sooner we find that place, the better things will be for everyone.

I’m sure other tidbits from our conversation might spawn more posts in the future… like I said, it was a good discussion.  I was honored to be Laura’s guest.  She’s an inspiring leader for her community- don’t forget to check out The D-Spot :)

Dad’s Partner: What I’ve Learned and Where I’ve Learned It

Welcome to Week 3 of my series about Dad’s Partner.  If you missed weeks 1 and 2, you can catch up here and here.  I think this will be my final post in the series (unless I think of something else for next week… which I might… cuz I’m always thinking…) I’d like to sum this up with some lessons I’ve learned as well as a listing of a few of my favorite resources.  Here goes…

What I’ve Learned:

  1. Don’t Take It Personally.  People act negatively as a result of their own emotions.  Lashing out at others is often a way to soothe oneself.  Nobody is responsible for the actions of other people.
  2. Seek To Understand.  Everyone wants to be understood, right?  The effort to understand Dad’s, Mom’s and the kids’ feelings will pay off in the long run… one way or another.  And if you’re lucky, your family members will reciprocate ;)
  3. Take Care Of You.  Take time to breathe, relax, rejuvenate and re-discover yourself.  The position of Dad’s Partner isn’t an easy one, so you better make sure you’re running on all cylinders.
  4. Don’t Play The Game.  As soon as Dad’s Partner indulges in the madness, she loses credibility.  “Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you – not because they are nice, but because you are.”  ~Author Unknown

Below are some of my favorite resources for Dad’s Partner.  Check them out…

  • Heather Hetchler: Heather is the mother of 4 and the custodial stepmother of 2.   She’s the founder of the web site Cafe Smom and hosts The Stepmom Connection on Momtv.com.   Heather also provides bite-sized doses of support and encouragement through Twitter, @cafesmom.
  • Stepmonster: (written by Wednesday Martin, PhD)  This is the book for Dad’s Partner.  I read it last year and reviewed it here.  I think this book will also prove beneficial to Dads and Moms who have an interest in better understanding Dad’s Partner.
  • Coparenting 101:  Coparenting101.org is a web site dedicated to helping Mom and Dad be better co-parents.  I realize that many would suggest Dad’s Partner has no business sticking her nose into this arena…. but, I find this site contains a lot of valuable information and has helped me gain perspective through the eyes of moms and dads.
  • StepMom Magazine:  Subscribers to StepMom Magazine receive monthly issues of this e-magazine as well as access to online forums dealing with many familiar issues.  This is a community created by and for partners of dads.  (I want to mention here that I wrote an article for the March Issue, but I don’t want to get all self-promotey right now.  This isn’t the time.  Is it?)

I know this is a short list- both of personal lessons and resources.  So feel free to tell me what I missed in the comment section… I know I left out a lot in the interest of space-saving and conversation-starting ;)

Dad’s Partner: The Emotions

Welcome to week 2 of my up-close look at Dad’s Partner (revisit Week 1 here).

I could be wrong, but I think society’s impression of the divorced dad and his new love goes something like this:  Dad trades Wife for a sleek-looking newer model.  Together, the two of them jet around the world, having lots of fun.  While living the high life, they spend all that money that Dad isn’t paying in child support.  He shows off his shiny arm candy every chance he gets and they constantly flaunt their status in (now) Ex-Wife’s face.  Dad and New Love find joy in their part-time parenthood of Dad’s kids.  Discipline is infrequent and trips to Disneyland are plentiful.  Life is grand and everyone smiles all the time.  At least, that’s what we see in the pictures…

Of course, that’s just a stereotype.  Today, I’d like to present some of the less-happy feelings which plague Dad’s Partner.  The following is an accurate portrayal of my own emotional inventory and I’m fairly certain these are widely applicable to most women partnered with a dad.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Boyfriend with everything I have and I treasure our relationship.  I adore his kids and I’m grateful for their presence in my life.  If I wasn’t absolutely certain about that and firmly committed to this family, I would have run away a long time ago.  But the truth is (as it is for everyone), it’s not all roses and daisies and trips to Disneyland (I’ve never been to Disneyland and I’ve no desire to go there).  Dad’s partner isn’t shiny arm candy (nor is she a loathsome troll), she’s a human being.  As such, there are times when she feels….

Inadequate.  Especially if she doesn’t have her own children.  And even if she does, there are still things she’ll never do as well as Mom and Dad.  I was mercilessly attacked by The Mom (aka Boyfriend’s ex) for my childless status.  As a result, I tried to learn what I didn’t know.  I read books, took a parenting class and volunteered in an elementary school.  When The Mom heard of this, she laughed haughtily and said something to the effect of, “Sure, but she’ll never know my children.  There are some things you just can’t learn from a book.”  (Ugh.)

Insecure.  Often, I feel like I’m engaged in a conflict with someone in my family.  There’s the unspoken/ongoing conflict with The Mom (she is part of my extended family… like it or not.).  The boys endure their own loyalty conflicts of which I am a cause.  There are times when my direction to the kids is overridden by another family member.  Sometimes I get those looks from Boyfriend to let me know he disapproves of something I’m about to say.  The kids resent me for correcting their inappropriate behavior… and on… and on… Given the position of Dad’s partner (not The Mom, not the First Wife, not the Longest Partnership, etc), these conflicts can eat away at a person’s self-confidence.  This can result in those second-guess-type questions:  Does he really love me?  Do they value me at all?  Would these people be better off if I disappeared?  Is this actually what I want?  Can I handle this?

Dad’s Partner has her share of conflicts and insecurities.  She craves reassurance, understanding and validation on a regular basis.  ***I’d like to take a moment here and express my gratitude to Boyfriend’s Mom, who has shown me nothing but love, acceptance and appreciation from Day 1.  Her support has meant more than I can express.***

Fear.  Dad’s Partner is taking a huge risk.  She gives her all, knowing that she will suffer a 100% loss if the relationship ends.  When Mom and Dad split up, they (most of the time) continue to share the kids… but, if Dad’s girlfriend/partner/wife leaves the picture, she will likely not see the kids again.  Ever.  Her family will simply move on without her… after everything she did for them….all for nothing!  That’s a scary thought.

Intimidated.  Let’s face it:  Mom is scary.  It doesn’t matter if she’s nice, mean or insane.  We are intimidated because Mom has seniority.  Mom is The Mom.  Mom has established turf.  She’s the one who created the kids by doing-you-know-what with Dad.  She has all the insider knowledge about Dad, the kids and Dad’s family.  And if Mom hates Dad’s Partner?  Well, that makes it even worse, of course!

We all know how dangerous it is to upset “Mama Bear”, right?  And I’ve heard people suggest that Dad’s Partner needs to be the one to make a peace offering if Mama Bear is offended.  Now… let me ask:  what person in his/her right mind is going to approach an angry bear?  Seriously!  Can you blame Dad’s Partner for being a little too intimidated to venture into the bear’s den?

Attacked/Defensive.  Sometimes Dad’s Partner comes under serious fire.  Maybe she didn’t wash the clothes correctly.  Perhaps she was present in an unexpected place.  Maybe she said something, or didn’t say something, and it caused a reaction.  We can trace these emotions and their consequential actions all the way back to elementary school:  “You think I’m stupid?  I’m not stupid, I got an A in math!  And besides… you’re ugly!”

It’s a vicious cycle.  In my case, I stopped communicating directly with Boyfriend’s ex pretty early on… but that didn’t thwart her attacks… which continued to escalate my defenses…  As a result, I wasted precious time barfing my defensive arguments all over Boyfriend.  Poor guy.  I don’t do that anymore.  At least, not very often. 

Powerless.  I’m talking about relationships.  Dad’s Partner might be a kind person.  She can be loving and giving and affectionate.  She can be appreciative and patient and always take the high road.  And that’s nice.  But the fact is that Dad’s Kids and Dad’s Ex are the ones who determine what kind of relationship they want to have with Dad’s Partner.  She could be Mother Teresa reincarnated and still be regarded with a violent hatred.  And… there’s nothing she can do about it.  Doesn’t that suck?

(I realize this principle is true of all relationships.  The complicating factor here is that most decisions regarding relationships with Dad’s Partner are swayed by underlying emotions resulting from historical events which pre-date her arrival.  She is the target of mom’s feelings of rejection and the children’s sense of loss.)

Confused.  Where do I fit in?  How much authority do I have?  What is my role?  Is it appropriate for me to discuss this issue?  Where should I sit at the school play?  Why does this teacher seem to hate me? But that’s not my fault!  What should the kids call my parents?  Is Saturday’s little league game more important than my sister’s birthday party?  What did I do to deserve this?  Should I handle this my way or his way? …or her way?  What would Mom do in this scenario?  Should I punish them now or let Dad do it when he gets home?  Why is he so lenient with them?  Why is he acting so distant?  Why is she angry?  What can I do to make this better?  How can I show her I’m not a threat?  What could/should/can I do??

Alone.  Unless she’s immersed herself in a supportive stepmom community, Dad’s Partner is lonely.  Family issues affect her in a unique way and quite often she suffers in silence.  Her friends don’t get it.  Her family doesn’t get it.  And Dad doesn’t get it.  (Oh…and society generally considers her to be evil, thanks to those poisonous fairy tales)

Frustrated.  This kinda goes without saying, doesn’t it?

…Obviously, many of these emotions are inter-related.  And the bold points on the list probably look familiar even if you’re not in a StepMomish position (isn’t it funny how, deep inside, we’re all the same?).  Please… tell me what you think….

Who Built The Wall?

Yesterday, I hopped on Facebook and discovered this in my news feed:

“i am amazed that what hindered me from having the relationship that i always wanted was myself and all that i couldn’t see clearly. it opens my eyes to other areas where i feel like i can’t achieve what i dream of, feeling like i can’t find the source of the giant wall between me and my goals, and makes me swallow a little hard realizing that the wall-builder is me.”

The status update came from Tim and Christina Lewis of The Redesign Company and the verbiage is feedback from their clients.

I met Tim Lewis, a marriage coach, at my divorce coach training last year.  I admired his initiative he was there to gain perspective, to have a better understanding into the background of his clients who were on their second marriages.  He and Christina, an interior decorator, have been happily married for many years and together they help couples “redesign” their “home” (ie: relationship and physical surroundings).  If you live near Davidson, NC and are interested in such services, check them out:  lovecominghome.com or facebook.com/lovecominghome And, even if you aren’t close by, you might want to check them out anyway… if only to enjoy the photos and scan their blog.

What struck me about the above text is that it so personally reveals the epiphany that each of us has the power to obtain (or at least strongly influence) what we so deeply desire… and, if we aren’t successful, perhaps we’re doing something to thwart our own progress.  This applies to relationships as well as other goals in life.

In the arena of divorce and stepfamilies, it’s easy to get caught up in the drama and align against the ex or the ex’s family.  It’s comforting to take shelter behind an expensive and aggressive attorney.  It’s painless to dismiss someone as uncaring or incompetent simply because he/she is different.  But that kind of behavior establishes enemies and runs up the lawyer’s bill.  Indeed, it is the behavior that builds walls.

Looking in the mirror and taking responsibility for what’s wrong in our lives isn’t easy.  But quite often, it’s the only way to get back on track.

Dad’s Partner: My Story

One of the most important factors in establishing effective relationships and communication is the ability to understand the other person.  To empathize.  To have compassion.  Especially when that other person is somewhat of an adversary.

Gaining this type of perspective was one of my goals for the She Said/She Said Project.  What you are about to read is another attempt to promote understanding across divorce-drawn lines.  I’d like to showcase more of Dad’s Partner so that Dads and Moms can better see this person.  To do so, I’ll be putting myself under a microscope of sorts… The first installment of this project is my own personal journey.  Next week, I’ll further detail the emotions and insecurities inherent to those women who couple with parents.  And the following week, I’ll discuss some of my favorite resources to help us cope and thrive.

But first things first… here’s a glimpse into my past:

Boyfriend and his wife split up in mid-2006.  After years of unhappiness, the decision to end their marriage was mutual.

In November of the same year, Boyfriend’s ex discovered he was dating someone (that would be me).  At that time, their relationship had plunged into typical post-separation turmoil.  He was coping with a minimally-furnished apartment and a major reduction in the time he spent with the kids.  She was adjusting to a reduced income and the stress of being the primary caregiver (her insistence) of their children.  There was a lot of resentment.  My arrival on the scene served as proof that things would never again be the way they were before.  And that ignited some serious animosity.

I had the misfortune of being present at Boyfriend’s apartment during one of their heated telephone conversations.  When the ex realized I was there, she chose to speak to me.  Her words weren’t kind.  She called me lots of colorful names and offered a multitude of reasons as to why I should want nothing to do with Boyfriend.  At one point during her tirade, I made a sarcastic remark which was taken out of context and used against me for years to come.

Because I had no children, the ex concluded that I was hopelessly immature and irresponsible (how many people become parents by accident?  does parental status really mean a person is responsible?).  She told her children that their father chose his girlfriend over them.  When I met the boys a few months later, it was obvious that my reputation preceded me in their eyes.  Shortly after that, the ex proudly proclaimed that she and the kids held regular “Tara-Bashing Sessions” at their kitchen table.  Hatred became their family value.

My first move with the boys was to show them that I was not a threat to their relationships with either of their parents. One rainy Sunday afternoon, I bought some plastic picture frames with lots of “frame” area and some stickers.  I used my Polaroid 600 to take pictures of the boys with their dad and then gave them the stickers to decorate the frames.  I suggested that they take the photos to their mom’s house and bring back pictures of them with their mom to keep at Boyfriend’s apartment.  They seemed to appreciate the activity and the idea, but they never did bring pictures of their mom.

As time went by, I spent more and more time with the boys and was able to develop a successful relationship with each of them.  While Drake and Josh warmed up to me, their mother remained cold and distant. She said I was white trash.  She called me a whore, a home wrecker and a waste of life… among other things.  She accused me of merely pretending to care about the boys and insisted that I was clueless about children.  She didn’t bother to hide her feelings from the kids.  Knowing how much she loved to hate me, the boys lied to her: they claimed that I called her names, refused to give them medicine if they were sick or that I threatened to lock them in a cage.  Their stories initiated many frantic phone calls laced with angry words.

My friends hinted to me that I was crazy to allow such madness into my life.  Yet, I loved Boyfriend and I loved his children.  Despite the dreaded Sunday Night Accusations, the four of us had fun together.  We spent time hiking and fishing and kayaking and reading.  We enjoyed each other’s company and learned a lot together.  Indeed, I was crazy… I was crazy about the three of them.

The experience further fueled my passion for knowledge regarding All Things Divorce.  I’d been researching divorce since my marriage ended.  With the introduction of the divorced dad, kids and the ex wife, I expanded my horizons.  Early in 2007, I began learning as much as I could about stepfamily dynamics and the contributing factors in our scenario.  I wanted to investigate all possible aspects to comprehend the “hows” and the “whys” of what was going on in my personal life.  I needed to understand my role, how others viewed me and how I could best conduct myself given the circumstances.  Thanks to those books, seminars, webinars, TV programs, classes, blogs, vlogs, trainings, workshops and tweets, I feel I have a better understanding of the issues at play and how to cope with them.

It’s been more than four years since the drama began.  I’m happy to report that it has simmered down quite a bit since the beginning.  Boyfriend and I have exercised a lot compassion and forgiveness in order to let go of the conflicts and move on with our lives.  We adopted the rule, “if you can’t treat me with respect, you aren’t permitted to speak to me” and it has helped foster more effective communication.  The ex wife and Boyfriend get along well enough.  She remarried last year and her husband has a positive relationship with the boys as well as a workable relationship with Boyfriend.  Between the four adults, we operate like a disjointed parenting team.  To the other side of that team, I remain an outsider.  I think they are grateful for my contributions yet have trouble accepting the validity of my presence (perhaps now because Boyfriend and I aren’t married and they are). Our situation is far from my ideal post-divorce vision, but we’ve made progress… and as long as things keep progressing, I’m OK with that.

Free Teleclass Featuring… Me!

I’m excited to announce that Laura Weisbart Campbell has asked me (and Meredith too!) to join her for a free teleclass on March 23 at 9pm ET.

Laura is the founder the The D Spot, a web site devoted to helping women navigate the path of divorce.  As a divorce coach and author of The Ultimate Divorce Organizer: The Complete, Interactive Guide to Achieving the Best Financial and Personal Divorce, she is passionate about guiding individuals towards a new and better life following the end of a marriage.  It’s no surprise, I’m a big fan of her attitude and her efforts.

Laura’s teleclasses are scheduled monthly and she also offers a monthly “open call” to chat about whatever is on your mind.  If you’re in the Connecticut area, check out her upcoming retreat!  In addition to her services, Laura has an e-newsletter which you can subscribe to through her site.

I’m honored that Laura has requested my presence in her community.  I hope you can join us on March 23!

Number: 1-760-569-0800

Access code: 379361#

Guest Post: Tips for Dating Parents of Teenagers

The following guest post was submitted to me last month. The topic of “teenagers” isn’t one that I typically address on this blog, but it is appropriate to many who are divorced and dating. Enjoy!

Tips for Dating Single Parents with Teenagers

Statistics say that one in five new relationships begin on the Internet, meaning that 20% of the couples out there are using online dating sites to meet up. This is a number that’s only going to expand in the future, and the effectiveness of online dating sites is
extremely apparent in our culture.

Online dating attracts people from all walks of life, but it especially attracts divorcees looking to get back into the dating game.

This is a time where you may feel very apprehensive, especially if you happen to meet someone with children.

It’s not at all uncommon to meet a divorced man or woman who’s also a mother or father, and there are certainly enough helpful articles around offering practical advice on how to go about dating someone with children. But what do you do when the guy or gal you like has teenagers? Is it a completely different ballgame?

Here are a few tips for dating single parents with teenage children.

1: Don’t Force Yourself into Their Lives

If things are going well, you may want to insert yourself into this teenager’s life. With younger children under 10 or so, it’s a little easier to earn their acceptance if not their trust after a while. With a teenager, however, they’re already fully aware of what
relationships are, and they’re usually going to be a little bitter about a potential mom or dad replacement.

Being a part of their lives and being there if they need you is a great way to build the relationship, but interjecting yourself into their lives and trying to play the buddy or the parent will really only create more separation.

2: Stay Out of It

You can probably remember being a teenager, right? Well, you know that hormones are raging, you’re always right about every decision, and you never want to be told what to do by anyone.

Dating a single parent with a teenager means you’re most likely going to witness many arguments. It’s important that you stay out of these while they’re happening.

After the fact, you can console your partner and take their side, or even speak with the kid away from his or her mother or father, but you need to gracefully bow out of any argument while it’s happening, especially if the argument is about you – and it may very well be about you.

3: Accept Your Place

This tip is essentially the same for kids of all ages. You are never going to be the number- one priority. If this is something you need, then please look elsewhere for a relationship. Any selfishness is going to leave this broken family worse off than when you arrived.

Know that your role is with the parent and not to be a parent. Maybe the evolution of the relationship will change that, but that’s something that happens naturally over time.

4: Don’t make it Weird

You always have to remember that a teenager is fully aware of what’s going on in the bedroom and he or she knows why you’re there for breakfast. Keep the PDA and overnight stays at a minimum and definitely away from the kid.

More often than not, relationships with single parents are harder when the kids see the two of you in affectionate situations, and this is the case regardless of divorce, death, or even if the kid came up without a second parent. It’s confusing for them, often causing anger.

5: Know that you should Matter

As stated previously, you’re not going to be the top priority, but you should still matter to this person. When dating a single parent, you run the risk of being nothing but a shoulder to lean on or an ATM machine for financial difficulties.

You definitely know what love feels like when it’s given, so this is something you need to recognize in this type of relationship. If it’s apparent that you don’t matter as much to this person as they matter to you, you should save prolonged heartache and make a clean exit. You just can’t wait around for it, because if it hasn’t happened mutually it probably won’t happen at all.

This guest article was supplied by Simon S. He is a guest editor on numerous dating sites and spends most of his time writing dating site reviews.

Residential Evolution: 90% Complete

As previously blogged about, we settled on our new house last Friday.  It was a rainy morning and Boyfriend and I got up early to have breakfast at our favorite little diner.  Settlement took place following our final walk-through and the deal was done before noon, at which time, the clouds parted and the sun peeked down at us.  We spent the afternoon moving boxes and furniture that came with the house.

Friday night, we brought the boys home.  They were elated to discover their separate bedrooms.  Josh was especially gleeful as he laid on his bed and kicked his feet in the air, exhilarated by the freedom of his own personal space.  As a room-warming gift, I gave each of them a poster to decorate their new walls:  Led Zeppelin for Drake and this one for Josh.  They seemed pleased, but the highlight of their evening was when they discovered that there are 7 (seven!!) children living next door, all happy to have new playmates.

Friday night, we carried a dish of smoldering sage from room to room to cleanse the energy around us.  Each of the boys smudged his own room and they worked together to smudge their bathroom.  Instead of eating pizza in our new dining room, as previously planned, we escaped the moving mayhem chowed downmo at a local pizza shop.

Saturday we rented a box truck and transported the rest of our furniture.  Boyfriend and I did all the heavy lifting ourselves with minimal crying (guilty.) and minimal damage to our belongings (I have small hands, sometimes things like TVs slip out of them).  Saturday night, following the cub scout awards dinner, we indulged in another home solidification exercise:  we gathered at the table, around the new housewarming candle, each with a glass of “merlot” (regular grape juice in wine glasses for the boys).  We lit the candle and each read a poem, blessing or prayer about “home”.  Then we toasted and played rummikub until bedtime.

Sunday the boys invested  more time in getting to know their new friends while Boyfriend and I continued our “work”.  Before taking Drake and Josh back to their mom, we ate dinner at the table in our new dining room.  It was a nice light ending to a very heavy weekend (for the adults anyway).

Now that most of the move is complete, we can focus on that last 10%: moving leftovers from the old house and emptying our 10 x 20′ storage unit.  I think it will probably be another month or two before Boyfriends pinball machines are migrated and set up to play.  Right now, we’re settled enough that we can relax and enjoy the new space… so that’s what we plan to do :)

 

…Oh, remember when I mentioned the bay window where I was going to put the ashes of our beloved bully boy?  It turns out Bully Girl likes that window too (more for the sunshine than the view).  Here she is chillin’ with her brother’s box…