Monthly Archives: March 2010

Money Adjustments

Lauren, blogger at My Life, Incomplete, wrote a super series about Financial Freedom after divorce.  It got me thinking about my own money matters over the past few years and I thought I’d share some of the choices I made, things I learned and advice I can offer others.

My choices:

  • House- I only lived in my house for 2 months before I left.  In the months before moving in, Ex and I had the kitchen remodeled, we removed wallpaper and painted every wall, we had the ceilings textured, the hardwood floors refinished… we even hired an artist to hand paint a few borders and murals.  After all that, I really didn’t want to leave.  But I couldn’t afford the mortgage.  I weighed the possibilities… I could live there and never ever eat.  I could get a roommate and rent out the apartment above the garage…I could rent out a half the garage… but that would never be a guaranteed source of income.  I was also driving quite a distance to work and spending a couple hundred dollars a month on gas.  And I did not want Ex to give me any support money.  I let him buy me out and I vacated.  I bought a house half the size and much closer to my job.  (I still probably spent a little too much.  Luckily, I got a raise not long after I moved in.)
  • Car- I loved my car.  It had a supercharger!  But again… not practical.  It was bigger.  It guzzled gas.  When the treads wore thin, the tires would cost a lot to replace.  It, too, had to go.  I traded it for an uber-practical Saturn Ion… 4 doors, front wheel drive, no bells or whistles, gets me from Point A to Point B… it was a wise choice.
  • Phone- After a few months, I axed my land line and went solely cellular.  I don’t always hear the ringing, but it saves me a good bit of money.
  • Cable- I got rid of that too and went internet-only.  That was harder than it is now because back in 2006, there weren’t as many online TV options.
  • Clothes and Stuff- I’ve become a big fan of the second-hand market.  And I love it!  I can buy a new brand-name wardrobe each season for the price I’d otherwise spend on one new garment.  (The price factor is really nice when shopping for quickly growing children too.)  And there’s a green aspect to the thrift-thing as well.
  • Credit Cards- before Ex was my Ex, he paid off my credit card as a Valentine’s Day gift.  After that, I began paying it off every month.  I know it’s tempting to use the plastic to help in surmounting the financial hump of divorce… but what if I needed that line of credit? I decided to continue using the card for convenience only in case I needed it for an emergency.

Things I learned:

  • It is possible to adjust to an existence on a fraction of the income one is accustomed to.
  • Practical = less hassle
  • Be thankful.
  • Celebrate life.  Not things.

More Advice:

  • No more lattes.  That’s an easy one, I know.  And it’s hard, I know.
  • Look for entertainment alternatives and opt for cheaper family activities.
  • Learn about money.  Seek the advice of a Divorce Financial planner or check your community listings for opportunities to learn more about budgeting, spending and saving.  See if you can find any of these classes for your kids too- it’s never too early to learn good financial habits.

An outsider would say that my standard of living has decreased dramatically since the divorce.  However, the increase in my quality of life makes it all worth it.

What did you learn?  What are you learning?  Where are you pinching pennies?

Little Words; Big Impact

…I was standing outside the day care center at my place of employment.  It was mid-May and the sun was shining.  I was talking to my co-worker about my Horrid Home Situation:  the screaming matches, the late-night drives to nowhere, the fact that I was sleeping on the couch.  She knew something was up, of course, because she’d observed the change in my demeanor.

She told me a story about an old relationship of hers and how she ended it.  And then she sighed and shook her head. “I don’t know…” she began.  “Honestly?  I think you’ll end up getting divorced.  And will suck because you’ll have to separate all your stuff and you’re gonna have to move….”

I nodded.  She wasn’t telling me anything my gut hadn’t said a thousand times.

“Really,” she continued.  “I’m not trying to be a downer.  It’s just that… I think you’re bigger than this.  You’re bigger than him.  And I think he knows it.”

Her words still echo in my mind as some of the most motivating motivators I heard during That Time Of My Life.

Fun; Not Money

Money is a stress factor for many divorced parents.  Not only is there less money to run the household after a separation, there’s also less money for superawesome fun activities.  This can cause a lot of anxiety for parents facing the fact that Disneyland is no longer an option.  And neither is the latest greatest video game console.

I tend to view this as more of an opportunity for parents.  When “money” and “stuff” are removed from the picture, we can focus on important things like “imagination” and “quality time”.  I’ve spoken to several divorced parents who believe relationships with their children improved due to this shift in priorities.  Below is a list of low or no cost entertainment options that Boyfriend and I enjoy with Drake and Josh on a regular basis.

  • Roller Skating- our local rink offers a reasonable admission price and 3 hours of aerobic entertainment.  Bonus:  the building is big enough for the kids to feel independent and secure enough for parental peace of mind.
  • Fishing- kids’ poles are inexpensive.  so are worms… and fish are so appreciative when we throw them back!
  • Hiking- my favorite is when we pack hot dogs and hike somewhere to build small fire and cook lunch.
  • Camping- we found a tent for $6 at Goodwill and the state parks are pretty cheap.  One time Drake lost a tooth in his s’more and swallowed it by accident (ah, memories!)
  • Movie Night- I ♥ Netflix and Boyfriend makes the best air-popped popcorn.  Now that Drake and Josh are a little older, we’ve started watching movies based on the books they’ve read.  Makes for great discussion after the credits roll- the kids can tell us what we missed out on by not reading the book.
  • Museums- No running!  No shouting!  No playing on the escalators!  …but the exhibits typically offer a little something for everyone.  And I like to nap in the planetarium :)
  • Nature Centers- There’s a place near us that’s accessible by a walking trail.  It’s a nice spot to stop and rest while we watch the fat squirrels eat from the bird feeders.  We can also learn a lot about the plants and animals we see on the trail.
  • Puzzles and Jenga- fun ways to practice problem solving and coordination for little ones.
  • Monopoly and Rummikub- more advanced problem solving, math, negotiation and competition.
  • Slide Golf Ball- we made this one up when we found a golf ball on a playground a couple years ago.  Each player rolls the ball down the sliding board and the person who rolls the farthest wins.

"The glow of one warm thought is to me worth more than money." - Thomas Jefferson

Stories From the Salon

I got my hair trimmed tonight.  It was a much-needed trip to the salon and I needed to get about 2 inches cut to get rid of all the damage I’ve done since my last visit… I think that was in October.  But this isn’t about my level of neglect for my mane.

While I was in the chair, I was participating in that typical salontalk with my stylist, Diane (not her real name, of course).  I told her all about Divorce Coach Training and the great books I’ve read about my favorite subject.  She told me about a client of hers who got divorced… the woman was married for decades and one day her husband announced he was leaving her for someone else.  It was devastating as this woman had only worked odd part-time jobs during the marriage and didn’t know how to support herself.  Diane recounted how helpless she felt at the time- her client’s life was in shambles and all she could offer her was a nice haircut.

“It was terrible,” she told me.  “I felt so bad for her.  I wished I could do something to help.”

But, that was then.  And now…

“She was in here not long ago,” Diane was beginning to smile.  “And she has really gotten her life together.”

I smiled too.  “She’s feeling better?”  I asked.

Diane’s eyes widened.  “She’s lost a lot of weight.  And she’s so happy now!  I think she was probably unhappy in her marriage but she didn’t realize it.  Now that she’s had the chance to start living for herself, she’s really blossomed.  And she looks great.”

These are my favorite kind of stories.  Reminds me of that George Strait song “She Let Herself Go” (not the official video).

Does It Really Matter?

Divorce makes people a little nutty.  It can make us identify so strongly with our delicate feelings that we behave in a nonsensical manner.  As if even the tiniest incident deserves our full attention.  As if every word needs to be met with a rebuttal.  As if every minor drama is The Fight of Your Life… The following story is an easy example.  It’s true.  Minor details have been changed to protect individual privacy.

Before the divorce, I had a friend from “his side”.  I was a member of her book club and we saw each other frequently.  We weren’t terribly close, but we got along well.

While I was packing my stuff to move out, I paused in the office to shoot her an email.  I kept it pretty simple- the jist of it was:  “Hey, I realize we won’t be seeing each other as much from now on.  I hope to still see you at the book club meetings.”

Her response came as quite a surprise to me.  I don’t remember it verbatim, but she used phrases like “saddened and disappointed” and “the path to personal growth is not easy” and something about me taking the “easy way out”.  Really, I’d expected her to be much more open-minded about the situation.

For days, I agonized over how to respond.  I wrote several email drafts that weren’t sent.  I was hurt.  I was confused.  Misunderstood.  Angry.  I wanted to write her a whole freaking book to explain myself.  To say that he cheated on me.  That my course of action was not easy.  That I was going to grow more by leaving than I would by taking the true easy road- remaining in the confines of familiarity, as I’d repeatedly been invited.

“Just let it go,” a friend encouraged me.  “She made it crystal clear that she doesn’t want anything to do with you.”

But I couldn’t leave her with the last word.  That would be like admitting I was wrong… like scurrying away with my tail between my legs.  I had my pride… I couldn’t do that!  I decided to make my response brief yet meaningful:

“Greg and Mistress were dating for a month before he told me he wanted to separate.
She moved into my house the day after I moved out.
You’re saddened and disappointed by my decision?  I’d be disgusted with myself otherwise.”

It was a strong response and I was hella proud of myself.  Yeah… I really showed her! …or, did i?

Looking back nearly four years later, it all seems so trivial- as these things so often do from afar.  I foolishly devoted much of my energy to the situation… and, for what?

Did it matter then? no.

Does it matter now? no.

What was it all about? It wasn’t about her understanding the truth.  I’m ashamed to admit it:  it was about me pretending to be a victim so I could hold my head high…. and that doesn’t even make sense!!

My friend was right.  I should’ve let it go.  I should’ve focused my energy on redefining myself and rebuilding my life.  Drama like that drags us down.  It gives us a false sense of accomplishment when, in fact, we’ve accomplished nothing.

She is Me

A bunch of years ago, I was snooping around on the web to learn about my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend.  I found some pictures of her and she looked kinda like me.  I also discovered that she was an animal lover and she liked homemade soap.  Just like me! I thought it was funny… as if he was trying to replace me with a duplicate.  But that wasn’t correct.

Fast forward several moons later and I was again poking around the internet (ok, i’m not proud of this, but I know i’m not the only one).  This time I was curious to dig up information about my current partner’s ex (because i’d heard so many awful things about her).  Once again, I discovered someone with my hair length and eye color.  She and I also shared many favorite books and movies.  WTF?  That rotten [fill-in-the-blank] can’t possibly have enough sense to understand the [complexity/beauty/horror/etc] of [fill-in-the-blank-book-or-movie]!!  She was, like, a total [insulting noun].  I mean, she [list of horrible things she did]!  How could I possibly have anything in common with HER?!?!

How could this be?  And then I realized…  There was a reason [Said Man] had chosen each of us.  The books, the movies, the animals, the soaps, the preferred style of vehicle… those are indicative of the personality traits we share.  And of course we have a lot of personality traits in common… we managed to attract the same guy, right?

I must say, every guy I’ve ever dated has had superb taste in women (why else would have dated me?).  So… then, it’s not so crazy.  (A little hard to swallow, perhaps- but it makes sense.)  My successor wasn’t a duplicate and my predecessor wasn’t [whatever-evil-thing-i-thought-her-to-be].  And I’m not [whatever-his-ex-thinks] nor am I [whatever-his-new-partner-thinks].  It’s human nature take comfort in these blanket judgments:  good, bad, just-like-me or nothing-like-me.  But it’s wrong. In fact, we are different sides of the same coin.  She is me.  I am her.

good… bad… similar… opposite… we all just are.  It’s that simple.  (it’s also that complicated.)

**************

“And slowly, as the people met people different from themselves, they began to see…. themselves.” -Douglas Wood, Old Turtle and the Broken Truth

Shout Out: “Thank You!”

I’d like to take a moment to express my appreciation for Mandy over at Since My Divorce.  A few weeks ago, Mandy took some time to interview me (me?!?!) and over the past week, she posted a series about The Divorce Encouragist on her site.

In addition to Yours Truly, Mandy has spoken to many other divorcees and published their testimonies.  To accompany the stories of her interviewees, she adds her own thoughtful reflections.  Thus, she demonstrates the importance of considering what others say and relating their tales to our own lives to find common ground.  We can all learn from each other!

When I visited Since My Divorce this evening, I was pleasantly surprised to find a reconstruction zone.  I can’t wait to see the new look!  Check it out to find stories, book reviews and other resources.

Book: “For Better Or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered”

Recently, I finished reading For Better Or For Worse:  Divorce Reconsidered by E. Mavis Hetherington and John Kelly.  I am such a freaking nerd about this stuff!  I’m supposed to be reading some sort of juicy fiction in my spare time… but no, here I am filling my mind with literature which chronicles a 20-year study on My Favorite Topic.

So… for other nerds out there who like scientific-study-type-stuff, this is a great read.  Ms. Hetherington studied divorced families for a full twenty years post-paperwork and her findings were quite interesting.  She used various methods to gather information:  interviews, journals, tests etc.  And she found a variety of outcomes for the parents as well as the children who came from “broken homes”.

The book details the many factors which can influence an individual:  a support system, educational opportunities, individual attitudes, assistance resources, authoritative parenting, permissive parenting, school districts- and more.  In the end, Ms. Hetherington was able to segment the individuals according to how far they’d come and how satisfied they were with their lives.  She wrote about the different paths people took, the effects of new partners and the ultimate outcome of the children (really, it wasn’t too bad :) ).  And through it all, she kept it interesting by telling data-supporting stories about her subjects.

I’d suggest this piece for anyone facing a divorce and concerned about the possible negative effects- it’s full of great insights.  But… like I said, it’s rooted in fact-finding.  There is no emotional hand-holding-through-a-difficult-time component.  Therefore, for someone facing a divorce and wrestling with surging emotional currents… it might be a little tough to plod through.

The Note

The most evil thing I did to my cheating husband was leaving a note for him on the refrigerator when I moved out…

A few weeks- maybe a month before our Separation Discussion, Mr. Ex went out for dinner with a friend of his.  He came home late to find me reading on the couch.

“So… um… you know Brandi Jackman*?” he asked me.

I looked up.  Eight years earlier, Brandi Jackman was the high school sweetheart of a friend of mine.  Well… she was, until he dumped her for me.  She hadn’t taken the news too well and for about a year there was a lot of just-out-of-high-school drama that finally faded when she relocated with her new boyfriend and we were separated by a body of water.

“Yeah,” I told Mr. Ex.  “How do you know her?”

“I met her tonight when I was out with Joe.  She and her friend were waiting for a table the same time we were and we started talking at the bar.  I told her where I was from… she asked if I knew you… I said you were my wife.”

“That’s funny!” I was laughing.  “What did she say?”

“She gave me her phone number,” He said and tossed a scrap of paper to me.

I picked it up and read it.

Greg,

Call me sometime:  555-1234

XOXO

Love,

Brandi  ♥

I found it rather hilarious as it appeared this chick was now making a move on my husband… payback?  I used the piece of paper to mark my page before closing my book for the night.

…Fast forward to moving day.  By this time, I knew about the Mistress.  Truly, I felt free and happy to be leaving.  I’d taken what was mine and left what was his and there was no destruction in the process.  I gathered up one last armful of odds and ends and saw that slip of paper sticking out of the book I read the month before.  In all honesty, it was his, wasn’t it?  I couldn’t steal it from him…

He called me the next day.  “What’s up with Brandi’s phone number on the fridge?” he sounded rather irritated.

“What?” I asked.  “It’s yours.  She gave it to you, so I left it for you.”

“Really?!?  Because Mistress wasn’t too happy to find it.”

“Oh,” I said.  “You told me you’d be coming home alone and sleeping on the couch.  How was I supposed to know?”

But, of course, I did know…

(*Names have been changed to protect privacy)